Unbending

I dont know how to bend.  And so I break.

This dawned on me just a few minutes ago.  See, it’s that time again.  The holiday season, of which I hate.  I don’t feel thankful.  And I get annoyed with people who point out all the reasons I should be.  what good is all that, if you don’t have what you really want.  And truth be told, I want what I had.  I want my past, my future back.  Yeah yeah I know.  I cannot have that, at least I don’t know a single thing I can do to get it either.  If I did, I’m sure I would have tried by now. Maybe that is one reason the hooks are still in me?  But I digress.

Its thanksgiving, and I’d rather like to  be at the movies with my little buddies.  I’d rather be trying some inane dish, Tina’s mom made that only I would be willing to try as the rest of the family looks at me like I’m nuts.  I’d rather feel the self satisfaction as the rest of them learn that what she made is actually quite good–most of the time anyway.  But I don’t have  that and so I’m depressed.  And this is when I discover just how uncompromising I am.

I ask myself, “self what would you do, could you do to make it all a little better . What’s the second thing that could make you enjoy the holiday season again.  What would put a smile on your face?”  And I get nothing.  Nadda.  No trip, not time with my own family back home, and a new chick (the horror of THAT idea sends chills down my spine), nothing.  I want what I want, and if I cannot have it, and cant think of a way to get it.  No substitute will do.  There is no, “well I will just do this over here.”

What does that say about me?  Something unflattering I’m sure.  But you know, I’m tired.  I cannot try to fight what  I feel or believe.  I lost the strength too a loooong time ago.  Now I just accept that I feel the way I do, and if it makes me pathetic, silly, or weak sounding, I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE.  I’m like that dog in the old saying, you know the one, where the dog is laying on a nail.  Except I just cant be bothered to get up. So I guess I will polish off this wine, and watch another movie.  Something nice and violent, and action oriented, or maybe a super hero one.  Yeah, nothing beats watching Batman kick someone’s ass.

One holiday down.  Two more to go.  Oh fucking joy.

Bittersweet

Next week is my best friends birthday.  last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it.  In fact I forgot several peoples birthday.  So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday.  I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here.  I just dont know how divorced parents do it.  In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.

yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer.  It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want.    Playing with them made me ache though, and sad.  Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed.  its made me feel all warm inside for a moment.  But only for a moment.

Why Bother

Nights are still the worst for me.  I feel so lonely. Empty–like a vessal that has been hollowed out.  The rational side of me, says you’re choosing to be that way.  Except its not really true.  Even with friends or associates I’m still alone in the crowd. There, but not there.

I ask myself is it really her.  I mean really is it, cause it aint that way for her.  Or is it what I felt she represented.  Because that, that could be replaced.  Someone else could give what she represented…if I trusted anything they said.  If I was willing–no not willing, more like if I felt like being bothered with the process of meeting, dating, ad nasuem.  But its a struggle.  I have met new people via friends that I could try to talk to, and in times when I felt like I will cause thats what I’m suppossed to do, “go meet people and start again,”  I cant have a decent conversation.  Know why?

Cause I’m not interested.  I dont care what they do, or what’s fun to them, I dont want to know where they were on 9/11 or when the challenger blew up.  I. Dont. Care.  I’m not interested in the way, you’re not interested in what happened to the fly that’s buzzing around your head.  Not exactly the best attitude for conversation.  So I dont bother. Instead I come home, and watch tv, or sleep, or read, or yell at the TV over politics. But I dont date. I dont chat up girls to take out or sleep with(sex…yeah that’s a WHOLE  OTHER post) I just….coast through the day.  And check off another day gone.

 

Called Out

So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

Down Memory Hell

Working late tonight, and a co-worker is having chest pains.  Everyone is worried, and wondering whether to call the ambulance or not.  Its the second day in a row.

Here’s the kicker.  A friend offers to drive him home, but is hesitant because the guy and his wife are having issues.  BINGO!  I immediately know the problem.  his damn wife is tripping and he’s stressed out about it.  Same BS happened to me when me and Tina broke up.  I thought I was having a heart attack and was even more pissed because I knew I was young and healthy.

In the end it was the pain and stress from the break up.  And this guy’s situation has thrown me right back to the day, and the feeling I had as I watched my world collapse.  it was hell then.  its hell remembering.

I’m sorry but its times like these I question how “perfect” God is, considering he made these creatures we call females.

Missing Piece Of Me.. by Dolly Poserio

 

 

 

 

Missing Piece Of Me.. by Dolly Poserio.

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I really don’t know if what i feel is real There is something in me that wants to reveal I hope and believe that it is you in thee Whom I wanted to see in the future with me No matter how hard I tried to forget and leave the past Memories always coming back, stayed and never last I deleted your mail and emptied your folder But can’t command thy heart even you said ‘forever’ no reaching out To love is to hold and behold what is mine Share the happiness that brings everyone in kind Fate and destiny will definitely find its way For happiness is to take and not to slip away I love you is all I ever knew Feelings that can’t hide and makes me feel in blue I hate you for I don’t know what to do My heart says that the missing piece of me is you

Am I a Fool?

Weird week.  I have had no less than three different women make it quite clear that we could have…some fun as it were.  And what did I do?  Ignored them.

I had decixded that I was gonna not date, not have anything close to sex, and basically no deal with women beyond…well work.  AND yet opppirtunities have presented themselves to me.  And I essentially turned them down.  I tell myself its because I have made decision to not deal with women.  But I know in my heart that is not true.

 

Truth is I just cannot get into it, since it aint…her.  Someone come  shoot me in the fucking head please.

Back Again?

I thought I had recovered a bit from the meltdowns I felt I had in the last three weeks or so.  Not overly ticked off through the day, less annoyed, able to keep my mind off certain things, and then WHAM.  I’m up late, and little tired, just surfing the channels and I stop on one of those house buying shows, with a newlywed couple looking for their first house.  And all the little jokes, and memories of me and Tina looking for houses together slams into my mind and emotions.  I think I get more annoyed with the feeling of needing to damn near be asleep all the time to avoid stuff like this, because its everything.  You expect those episodes to happen if you look at pictures, or talk about her, or listen to soft music, or see a romantic comedy (which I avoid like the ebola virus) but how the hell do you shield yourself from the most innocuous things?  I mean jesus.  I know some of the readers here may think I just dwell on it constantly everyday.  And I promise you I dont.  I dont want to at all.  It just comes unbidden, without conscious thought or desire.

Either I’m fucked up, or she certainly did not know or deserve the level of commitment I had for us. Perhaps both.

The Truth Within

“It is difficulties that show what men are.”

I read this on a site today about Epictetus.  If this is true, then I don’t feel like much of a man.  Truly inside I feel weak.  I feel lonely.  I feel like I want to shutter myself away.  And even though I keep hearing not to do that, I feel in my instance it maybe the best thing.

WHen I look back on my life all my moments of pain have to do mostly with a woman.  I’ve never broke up with anyone.  I did not hold on to every girl I dated, but I never initiated a split.  The closest I ever came was with Tina in our third year.  That lasted a week, and I felt like I needed to be more patient with what I was unhappy about.  I felt I was over looking most of the good and looking at just the bad.  So we ironed things out.  Sometimes, most times actually, I think the same thing happened in reverse, but Tina never forced herself to look and focus on what she had. I think if she had, we would have worked it through like we had with prior disagreements.  It’s a theory, can never tell since she declined to tell me the truth of the situation, or what her real issues were.

But the point is perhaps I just get too attached to people.  Maybe I cannot or rather do not know how to be myself.  I’ve never been a fan of being alone, and on intellectual level I have always felt we are made to be with people.  That it is our nature.  Now I think I’m wrong, or at least now I feel like I have to learn to not need anyone at all.  To take time and just be alone.  And not just no dating.  I don’t do that now.  I mean no hanging with all the females I have, that are probably mental surrogates for a girlfriend of sort.  Just get alone, be alone, live alone.

I got this feeling that I need to learn how to deal with pain, and loneliness, and that I’m the only one that can help me with it.  Or maybe I’m just fooling myself and its an excuse to not be hurt, to not be close to anyone.  I don’t know.

I do know I don’t like this feeling any more than I do without Tina.

Unscalable Wall

Often I find myself looking up search terms on Google about how to change yourself, or re-inventing your life, becoming a brand new person, or other such notions.  I feel like I need to change, not just one thing, but a shit load of stuff.  Sometimes as a reaction to Tina, other times in response to what I feel lead me inexortably to this turn–the nice guy curse.  And I feel I dont want to be that guy any longer.  There has been no pay-off.  And other times its to create such a incredible life, so bright, it blinds Tina in her mistake.

I never find anything quite good on the subject.  But I found something that in a flash of personal insight, left me shaking my head.  This one site said in order to change, you have to first list everything you like and don’t like, all you want to change, and all that you dont want to change, and think about the things you really cannot.  And it struck me.  My biggest problem is I can’t let go how I felt about her, or us, or the members of her family.  I truly loved her, and wanted the life she told me she wanted.  And even though she does not think about me, and that it was obviously not strong to her (based on how she walked away), even though after all this time, and the pain she’s given me, we could never be together again, even though she has moved on with guys that make it impossible I feel to even be phyiscal with her if she did come back, EVEN with all that, I will never be able to change how I felt about us.  I cannot make myself turn from those feelings, and thoughts. Life goes on, but I always feel like a part of me is missing.  Everyday.

My best friend, Renee, she knows it.  She has told me there’s something off and its not just depression, or sadness, or anger, I’m different.  So I geuss the question is not how do I re-invent my life, or myself, but how do I deal with feelings that will not change.  That even though we are not going to be together, and it angers me, and pisses me off, and hurts me, NONE of that changes how I felt about her for those seven years.  And I wonder…did she know.  I mean did she really know.

I dont think she did.  I dont think she allowed herself too.  As for me…how do you change, how do you move forward, when the thing that is causing the pain, simply will not go away.  How do you move on with a smile on your face when you cannot denounce the past?