Thank You All

I want to thank all of you that have become loyal readers and commentors on this blog.  The blog has probably helped me more than I know.  But I will be putting it on hiatus for a while, if not permanently.  After just about 10 months, nothing has changed.  There is nothing new to add, or discuss.  it’s the same stuff over and over, because I will not let go.  I cannot let go.  I don’t want to let go.  I want a way, a path, a “something” to have Tina back.  Nothing changes that, nothing.  At the end of the day, I love her.  And I cannot fathom life for the next ten years without her.  She’s my fish.  And I don’t want anyone else.  So what is left to say or write?

We belong together.  I’m either right or delusional.  Maybe both.  She’s my heart, and I may just have to wait it out.

Waste

Such a freaking, God damn waste.  I’m talking about new info, that I cannot even go into.  But, believe me, we were sooo close.  It is stuff that could have been worked out.  Instead, 7 yrs flushed down the drain.

A fucking waste.

Ten Months Later

Still in denial.  Still cannot accept her choice.  Still cannot believe she does not miss me.  Still want her back.  Therefore, little progress.

Persistent Questions

I’ve been very forth coming, or at least have tried to be on the Break-up Diaries.  There are two sides to every story, but I’ve very careful to not paint events from viewpoint, but as they happened.  I, in my mind, feel I was a good man to Tina.  I feel that I treated her right and that there was something special about us.

But,

I’ve been over everything in my mind, and I just catch stop thinking I did something wrong.  And if I just knew what it was I could fix it.

Time is my Enemy

Time is my enemy.  Time is not my friend.  The longer we get from the relationship the more the memories become tattered.  Soon enough I’ll be relegated to just another boyfriend.  Just dust in the wind blowing behind her.  Forgotten.

Time takes too long.  Nothing relieves the pain, and the…missing what we had at some point.  When did it all change?  I don’t know of course.  I just know that only time can heals these wounds.  That is what my friends tell me, but it ain’t happening.  And if its going to happen its taking too long.  I’ve been on dates, I’ve cried, I’ve gotten drunk, I’ve tried to work out, I’ve tried to focus exclusively on me.  Nothing takes.  Nothing does the job.  What is it going to take?  Time?  Time is creeping too slow.  How long is it going to take?  Or do I just punk out, and accept the scraps of “friendship love” the way crack addicts will take a hit of morphine to just get by?  Just call her say, “you win.  I miss you too much not to talk you or be in your life anyway I can, because you’re that special to me.” Tina gets what she wants, and I just accept it.

I’ve thought about it.  In the dead of night when I can’t sleep, and she’s in my mind like an infection, I say to myself, “Damn it, what are you trying to prove.  You want her around.  This is just silly pride and ego.  Let it go.  It’s easier to deal with her dating another person that it is to deal with her dating another person AND you never see or speak to her.”  You really don’t want to know the number of times that thought has come to mind.  I can’t let it go.  I can’t accept it.  I’m like a sprinter that’s lost one leg and is still trying to race.  I don’t do anything though.  I don’t call. I don’t email. I don’t go visit.  I don’t call her parents. I do nothing.

Except hurt.

The Eternal Question

What could I have done differently?

What did I do wrong?

Why does my head tell me one thing and my heart and soul ignore it, and tell me something else?

Relapse

I feel like a druggie in rehab having a relapse.  For the last week the urge to contact Tina has been overwhelming.  The visions of the next ten yrs without in my life, sends anxiety through me.  I miss her so much.  And not its not her looks, or sex, the I love you’s, not what I miss the most—though I do miss them.  It’s the small things.  The sound of her voice, the inside jokes we had for each other, the way she would reach and pluck my hand as a sign of affection.  I miss how she would just laugh at me whenever I yelled at the TV over politics.  It’s the every day minutia of every day life.  I miss it all, as if it happened last week, not 9 months ago.  And of course the torturous question of does she miss these things?  Or is she just happy to look forward to doing them with someone else?  A friend tells me she is not even thinking that deeply.  She is just following her present feelings and notions, not thinking critically or about the future.  She is with others and she does whatever she feels like with them.

It hurts to know you’re an afterthought.  Maybe not even a thought.  I wonder was I in a fantasy for the last 7yrs?  Did I imagine the things we were planning? All of this now, and we’re not even into the holiday season yet.  Why can’t I let go!  And if I’m gonna hang on, why can’t I think of a way to change things. 

So many feelings, so many thoughts, and so many questions.  And the answers…there may not be any. She has said before she does not know why, she just does?  Of course she said the same thing about us getting married, but then she had reasons she could list off.  I’m think that I’m the real fish, because I’m hooked and can’t get off the line.

9 Months After Break-up–Little Progress

9 months and nothing has changed. I’m still not over it.  I still feel love for her.  She still moves on with apparent ease, deliberation, and without a look backward at all.  I stand baffled at times, to think of the things we said to each other, and to see a complete and sharp break.  I would have thought we would have at least went back and forth a bit like so many couples do until they figure it out, or see they can no longer be together.  Instead, its as if I did something wrong, cheated, hit her, cursed her out [though I have wanted to do that many a night] or some other thing that would make someone act in this manner.  Like, I’m moving on because there are bigger and better people out there than how this boyfriend treated me.  That’s what it feels like.

And me…I’ve, geuss you’d have to call it dated, a person for many months, had a few other dates as well, and nothing steers me away.  Even now I want to text her to tell her I miss her.  But of course the fear that she’ll read it as she is laying next to someone keeps me from doing so.  And besides, she’s not stupid, well she is, but not intellectually at least, I’ve always been very clear.  So she knows I miss her.  She knows she could call me or see me.  She knows.

Which means of course she does not wish to see me.  Again, as if I did something wrong.  At times like this I wish I had, just so I would know what the flipping problem is.  I’m beginning to re-examine the whole relationship.  Because I cannot believe that anyone could really love someone enough to the extent she told me and acted, and then move on in this manner.

Maybe she cared, but never really loved me.

Harsh Reality

The tail end of a convo I had with a friend tonight.

Trina: Are you ok?

Me

no, not really, but what can I do. I truly loved her. And I truly loved her family. I believe they loved me. It should not be this way.  It is, but it should not be

3:29amTrina

they do not love you.

they love her.

you are not in their family.

I do not like this reality.  I hate it.

Emptiness

Imagine if you will the perfect cake.  White icing all over it.  Pink and red rose decorative designs around the top.  The wavy icing rims perfectly coifed on the edges of the cake.  It looks perfect.  Your mouth waters, and you cut into it and discover there is no cake.  It’s all icing.  Sweet, pretty, but no substance.  There is no cake there to grab a hold on too.

This is how I feel this morning and many days.  Empty.  Nothing inside.  I’ve been on a few dates, and I can compartmentalize pretty well to look just fine; pretty and perfect on the outside.  But the truth is I feel what is the point.  I don’t really want to date.  I don’t really want anything, but the life I wanted and thought I would have.  And I want it with my ex.

Plain, simple, no denying it.  Nothing really changes.  What if it never does??