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I have not posted in a while. There is not much to report. I don’t date, I work, or don’t work.  I take each day as it comes, and try to get through it. I have gotten away from the intense pain. I have resigned myself to the fact that we will not be together, though the thought still pisses me off to the point of hitting my keyboard. I have gone through 4 in the last two years. I am bitter, and still angry even if I do not show it. And when, like tonight, I drink to much it creeps up in me. The hurt, the anger, the feeling of what the fuck was she thinking. Its weird, cause if I have few drinks I am fine. But there is a threshold, and when I hit it, all I want to do is hit shit and scream.

I have friends. Most of them are females, and they are trying their best to get me laid. Which is funny when you think about it, cause if it was that serious, wouldn’t they just screw me themselves? I mean really? Come on. It seems they cannot fathom a 100% male that could care less about sex, making love, or fucking. its not that I would turn it down. Would you turn down a free meal? But I do not pursue, and the word date sends chills up my spine. I was talking to a friend the other day, and she asked if I was gonna take this girl we know on a date, and 5 seconds after she said the words, she said, “I could just feel you cringe the moment I said that.” And she was right I did cringe. It sent a chill up my spine and not in a good way. what that means I have no clue. But I hope I have a problem and its just some stupidity in my mind, cause the alternative…that something that was supposed to happen didn’t drives me nuts.

I don’t remember what the dream was about.  But I know it was a bad one, cause I’m wake with a start and I’m covered in a cold sweat.  Could’ve been about her, could be about bunny rabbits for all I know, but the feeling I have is not good.  I wake with the knowledge that I’ll always be alone.  I feel this with certainty. Alone and without love.  It feels like a hard pit in my stomach.  I lay there and just know.  My mind goes into defensive mode, I think about friends, about my morals, about how I’m a good person, how I can treat others.  But it doesn’t help.  It all feels like empty shouts, after a verdict has already been read.

Love that never leaves I will not have. By myself is all I’m gonna have.  The notion that could happen is not what bothers me, or compels me to get out of bed to record these thoughts.  it’s the certainty. The absoluteness to the feeling.  The sureness that it’s not a bout of self-pity, but just a plain truth. A hard, cold fact.  It scares me, it saddens me. I want to fight it, but I can’t. All I get is an answer through the ether,  “It wont matter what you do.This is how it will be no matter what.”

What do I do with that??

I’m up now and I try to make sense of it all.  I feel it’s not about Tina, though she is just the most recent example–the last example.  No, it feels like something else, but I don’t know what.  Why me? I’ve seen and met men with worse morals, worse prospects, and ones further away from perfection than the distance I am from it.  And yet, they are not alone. They have people fighting to stay, fighting over them, they have someone.  Often, they have the one they want.  Why not me?

I have asked that a thousands times, and still I have no answer.

It’s that time of year again.  Valentines Day.  lol  It’s amazing how things in life can take an opposite turn.  Valentines Day, fake holiday or not, had for many years been my favorite.  I don’t know why.  Perhaps its the little cute cards we gave out in class when I was in elementary school, or how I would buy the carnations for girls in middle and high school, and they always were so happy all day, and gave me little kisses.  I was always one of those guys that “got it” when it came to the holiday that is all for women.

But no more.

Now, the site of hearts, and red and pink colors makes me grimace.  Its not even conscious.  It happens without a thought.  I see it, or one of those inane Jared commercials, and I get a look in my eye.  Friends have commented on it.  They say they can tell now when I have seen something, anything that has anything to do with romance and love.  It’s like when people all of a sudden smell something unpleasant.  I shrug my shoulders, as this is the new normal for me.  I may not hurt as much as I did in the past, but I cannot exactly call the last three years happy.

Yeah three years…three years of being what I had never thought I would be, or wanted to be.  I’m nothing.  No different than a guy she dated for two months in college or high school.  Its a long time, and at times it still seems like yesterday.  It is insulting to me to be honest, that this is what we turned into.  Why couldn’t she have done away with me in the 1st year if this was what it was going to be.  Why keep me around for seven years?

In any case, holiday time from Nov-thru Feb 14th, are not the same, and now my once beloved holiday is a thorn in my side.  I have friends that are in new relationships, and excited about their “1st V-day” together.  I’ve tried to be, well a friend and listen to their plans, and hopes, and getting their dresses and shoes, and blah, blah, blah.  After all, I should not bring them down.  But I had to tell them, tell them all, don’t call me, don’t talk to me, don’t tell me about that day.  I’m turning my phone off, and I really don’t want to hear about it.  Not on that day.  I felt like an ass, but I just can’t.  I just can’t.  It means nothing to me anymore.  Not a damn thing.

I dont know how to bend.  And so I break.

This dawned on me just a few minutes ago.  See, it’s that time again.  The holiday season, of which I hate.  I don’t feel thankful.  And I get annoyed with people who point out all the reasons I should be.  what good is all that, if you don’t have what you really want.  And truth be told, I want what I had.  I want my past, my future back.  Yeah yeah I know.  I cannot have that, at least I don’t know a single thing I can do to get it either.  If I did, I’m sure I would have tried by now. Maybe that is one reason the hooks are still in me?  But I digress.

Its thanksgiving, and I’d rather like to  be at the movies with my little buddies.  I’d rather be trying some inane dish, Tina’s mom made that only I would be willing to try as the rest of the family looks at me like I’m nuts.  I’d rather feel the self satisfaction as the rest of them learn that what she made is actually quite good–most of the time anyway.  But I don’t have  that and so I’m depressed.  And this is when I discover just how uncompromising I am.

I ask myself, “self what would you do, could you do to make it all a little better . What’s the second thing that could make you enjoy the holiday season again.  What would put a smile on your face?”  And I get nothing.  Nadda.  No trip, not time with my own family back home, and a new chick (the horror of THAT idea sends chills down my spine), nothing.  I want what I want, and if I cannot have it, and cant think of a way to get it.  No substitute will do.  There is no, “well I will just do this over here.”

What does that say about me?  Something unflattering I’m sure.  But you know, I’m tired.  I cannot try to fight what  I feel or believe.  I lost the strength too a loooong time ago.  Now I just accept that I feel the way I do, and if it makes me pathetic, silly, or weak sounding, I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE.  I’m like that dog in the old saying, you know the one, where the dog is laying on a nail.  Except I just cant be bothered to get up. So I guess I will polish off this wine, and watch another movie.  Something nice and violent, and action oriented, or maybe a super hero one.  Yeah, nothing beats watching Batman kick someone’s ass.

One holiday down.  Two more to go.  Oh fucking joy.

Next week is my best friends birthday.  last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it.  In fact I forgot several peoples birthday.  So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday.  I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here.  I just dont know how divorced parents do it.  In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.

yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer.  It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want.    Playing with them made me ache though, and sad.  Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed.  its made me feel all warm inside for a moment.  But only for a moment.

Nights are still the worst for me.  I feel so lonely. Empty–like a vessal that has been hollowed out.  The rational side of me, says you’re choosing to be that way.  Except its not really true.  Even with friends or associates I’m still alone in the crowd. There, but not there.

I ask myself is it really her.  I mean really is it, cause it aint that way for her.  Or is it what I felt she represented.  Because that, that could be replaced.  Someone else could give what she represented…if I trusted anything they said.  If I was willing–no not willing, more like if I felt like being bothered with the process of meeting, dating, ad nasuem.  But its a struggle.  I have met new people via friends that I could try to talk to, and in times when I felt like I will cause thats what I’m suppossed to do, “go meet people and start again,”  I cant have a decent conversation.  Know why?

Cause I’m not interested.  I dont care what they do, or what’s fun to them, I dont want to know where they were on 9/11 or when the challenger blew up.  I. Dont. Care.  I’m not interested in the way, you’re not interested in what happened to the fly that’s buzzing around your head.  Not exactly the best attitude for conversation.  So I dont bother. Instead I come home, and watch tv, or sleep, or read, or yell at the TV over politics. But I dont date. I dont chat up girls to take out or sleep with(sex…yeah that’s a WHOLE  OTHER post) I just….coast through the day.  And check off another day gone.

 

So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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