I want to thank all of you that have become loyal readers and commentors on this blog. The blog has probably helped me more than I know. But I will be putting it on hiatus for a while, if not permanently. After just about 10 months, nothing has changed. There is nothing new to add, or discuss. it’s the same stuff over and over, because I will not let go. I cannot let go. I don’t want to let go. I want a way, a path, a “something” to have Tina back. Nothing changes that, nothing. At the end of the day, I love her. And I cannot fathom life for the next ten years without her. She’s my fish. And I don’t want anyone else. So what is left to say or write?
We belong together. I’m either right or delusional. Maybe both. She’s my heart, and I may just have to wait it out.
I feel you Joe. I really do. These aren’t feelings that I am unfamiliar with.
Mookie was someone I date in High School. Nebraska is a girl I met on line nearly 8 years ago. Currently, I am with someone that I served with in the military 24 years ago.
And the reason that any of them were still ‘active’ in my mind, is because I had a ‘Tina’ in my life, Tee Jay. And we broke up in 2000.
The difference is in the way that we handled our situations. So for real, I get what you are feeling. You have to find your own way to deal, and eventually you will.
You ‘right now’ isn’t forever. You already know that. You could even be talking with the next ‘Blessing’ to come your way. And that is when you will put all of this to bed and move on from Tina.
Take care and be well. You aren’t a bad cat and I am sure someone else either notices you or is getting ready to discover HER ‘Blessing’!
L&R
Mark
Joe, I’ve been lurking for a while and I haven’t commented in a while. I have been checking up on you though. I wish you wouldn’t go on hiatus, but if you feel that this is what you need, then you should do it. It may be a good idea. On TBD, you can release your feelings about your split from Tina. But you’re also reliving all of the down and dirty details, which keeps the pain fresh.
I don’t know you and haven’t met you, but you seem like a great guy. I admire you for your career (something we have in common) and your unwavering commitment to your brother. I admire the way you turned the hurt into something constructive. I’m sure someone out there has come across your blog and found comfort in knowing they weren’t alone in their own pain. You took a huge step opening your heart for all to see, even when we came down a little hard on you. What you did takes courage and you are to be commended for that.
Just in case this hiatus turns into a permanent goodbye, I want to share with you what your experience taught me. I learned that sometimes we women give men the short end of the stick when it comes to love. I learned that there are good men out there who love without abandon and they hurt too when things don’t work out. I learned that sometimes what feels good to us isn’t good for us. I learned that there are good people in the world who root for your success even if they’ve never laid eyes upon you.
Now here’s what I hope for you to learn. I want you to learn that love isn’t always fair. It’s beautiful yet painful, wonderful yet difficult and astounding yet mind boggling. It’s a completely contradictory emotion, but it’s worth having. You and Tina didn’t work out for whatever reasons she had. It’s painful to lose someone you love. You feel like shrinking away from the world to lick your wounds but to get back to the beauty of love, you have to work through the pain. You and Tina may reconcile once SHE reconciles her issues. You may not be meant to be together. But one thing is for sure. You deserve a love befitting the love you share with others. Don’t let your chance die with this break up. It sounds cliche, but I hope for you to grow from this experience. I hope that you heal from this pain and open your heart again to love.
I don’t know if we’ll hear from you again, although I hope we do. Thanks for sharing and opening your life. You will triumph and feel all those good things that love brings again. And we can’t wait to hear about it!
I’ve just finished reading every single entry and comment on your blog and I’m sorry to see it finish just as I get to the present. I’ve found it a real help to read what you’ve written, though it’s a shame it’s still not resolving itself for you. I wish you the best of luck for the future and hopefully things will start to improve with you no longer expressing on the blog. I might put this on google reader to get a update if you ever post again, so be sure to post once your life is on the up and mend.
Well Joe, I wish you well. I hope you can heal a whole lot better since you seem to keep reopening your wonds. We want you to be happy. Just know that you got new friends who are rooting for you and wish you all the success and happiness you could ever have. You know where to find me if you ever need to talk(type) to anyone.
Take care of yourself.
Dammit, Joe. I’m trying to make my way back here and back to having the strength to update my own blog. And you’re on the way out of the door.
In spite of my recent silence, I have been breezing through your blog to check any missed posts.
I believe you are going to be fine. More than fine. You will blossom again. And love again. Because the moment the love inside of you connects with the woman capable of making you happy, you will be hopelessly drawn to her. You may fight it. You may try to explain it away. But it will happen… and I hope that day you will stop by this blog and share the beauty of your changed heart.
{{hugs}}
Take care of yourself!
Good luck, Joe. I’ve moved on from my broken relationship and though at times I still feel a surge or anger, it is now rare and of brief duration. I am wishing a new life for you.
Hi, Joe.
I’m you, ten years in the future. (In many ways, this is true.) After a profoundly painful — for me — break-up, I finally convinced my special someone to come back to me. And then we moved in together. We moved across the country, started a new life. Got married. We’d always wanted kids, so we started having them. One. Two. Three.
We got back together, yes, but things were never the same. Ever. Our sex life never really returned… when she first moved in, she “wasn’t ready yet.” I didn’t care. I wanted her back so badly, and now I was getting her back. Right?
And she did things that hurt me deeply, but I took a stand in one case, and she stayed with me. So, there was that. But, I also recognized that while I had become a different — a *better* — man for her, she also had work to do on herself. Which, since I took her back unconditionally, she didn’t have to actually work on.
Ten years (well… more like twelve) of our lopsided arrangement. Of me loving her more, giving more, doing more, than she loved or did for me.
But when I hit employment snags, this stressed her out, and she couldn’t give me the emotional support I needed. When we had kids, I was the one to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them, not her, so my lack of sleep became a pretty much permanent feature of my life. Any setback was an excuse for her to withdraw more, but any advance did not help us to move forward or connect better.
It has taken me this long to realize that, in fact, this relationship has killed me. I no longer have the sense of joy and happiness of which I know I was once capable. My self-confidence is non-existent. My prospects have gone from anything-is-possible to just-get-through-this-day.
After all these years and the tears and the dying inside, I realize that I can’t keep up our relationship on my own. And I think I’m finally, finally over her.
And so, we are moving toward divorce.
When I brought up the subject, she didn’t even flinch. She’s been wanting it for years. When all was said and done, she settled for me. She decided that I was probably her last chance to get the kids and the house and the white-picket fence that she always wanted, but she didn’t actually want *me*.
Joe. I know where you are, emotionally. I’ve been there. When you can’t let go… you can’t let go. All the good advice in the world won’t help you to let go. You will move on in your own time and by your own decision.
But if you choose — and it is a choice — to devote yourself to a woman who does not return your affection, you will lose the best years of your life. You may, in fact, lose the essence of what makes you, you.
I love my children dearly. There is every reason to believe that my wife and I will be able to part amicably, and that we’ll be able to work okay together in raising our children as separate co-parents. But I am resentful as hell that I flushed away what should have been the prime years of my life. That’s not her fault. It’s mine.
I hope I can, in the words of “Her Side” above, “blossom again.” I think it’s possible. Now that I can see past this life with my wife, I truly think it’s possible. I think Her Side is right that *you* will blossom again.
I just hope you’re able to let go and move forward before ten years have gotten behind you. Life is supposed to be a joy, my friend. Tina doesn’t bring you joy. And she never will. Ever. Even if you win her back.
(You know that what I say is true. You know it. And you *can* make a choice to fall out of love. You can.)
My best to you, my younger self.
–Seattle
PS: You may want to consider reading _The Passion Trap_ by Dean Delis. You will recognize a lot of what he describes, and it may help you to find a way out. If nothing else, it will help you to understand how you got to where you are. There are other books I can recommend, if you’re interested. Drop me a line as you see fit.
Joe….listen to this guy from Seattle. Please.
Oh….one more thing, Joe. You obviously like to blog, so why not continue to blog, just not about Tina?
Surely there are other things in your life for you to talk about.
And I, for one, would like to read about them, if you are ever so inclined.