Nights are still the worst for me. I feel so lonely. Empty–like a vessal that has been hollowed out. The rational side of me, says you’re choosing to be that way. Except its not really true. Even with friends or associates I’m still alone in the crowd. There, but not there.
I ask myself is it really her. I mean really is it, cause it aint that way for her. Or is it what I felt she represented. Because that, that could be replaced. Someone else could give what she represented…if I trusted anything they said. If I was willing–no not willing, more like if I felt like being bothered with the process of meeting, dating, ad nasuem. But its a struggle. I have met new people via friends that I could try to talk to, and in times when I felt like I will cause thats what I’m suppossed to do, “go meet people and start again,” I cant have a decent conversation. Know why?
Cause I’m not interested. I dont care what they do, or what’s fun to them, I dont want to know where they were on 9/11 or when the challenger blew up. I. Dont. Care. I’m not interested in the way, you’re not interested in what happened to the fly that’s buzzing around your head. Not exactly the best attitude for conversation. So I dont bother. Instead I come home, and watch tv, or sleep, or read, or yell at the TV over politics. But I dont date. I dont chat up girls to take out or sleep with(sex…yeah that’s a WHOLE OTHER post) I just….coast through the day. And check off another day gone.
