Next week is my best friends birthday. last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it. In fact I forgot several peoples birthday. So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday. I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here. I just dont know how divorced parents do it. In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.
yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer. It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want. Playing with them made me ache though, and sad. Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed. its made me feel all warm inside for a moment. But only for a moment.
my last two entries were about relationships. Don’t know if they would help you any, but you could check them out if you like.
There is still a chance… and you have a big window still to be a parent… but you have to get over yourself…
its not the time, mark. its the circumstance. I have to be married, and putting aside I want the woman I thought (no other way to describe it at this point) I had, it will take a loooong time for me to find her. I just cant do it. I just cant. The thought is too painful to even think about. I’m gonna have to try and learn to live with it, and its said for me because I have not learned to yet.
I hate to say it but you make me laugh. “In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father” Its just so silly! Like you’re 90 years old and its..just…too…late. I have a good amount of hope you WILL be a father because I am hard pressed to believe even you can keep this whole schtick going that long. Eventually you will move on. I am 99% certain of it.
No schtick Dotbar. It has dawned on me, slowly, that i cannot have what I want, with her or anyone else for that matter. I really cannot, and so I dont want to marry any more. No marriage, no kids. I have no interest in being a baby’s daddy. Only in being a father, which takes marriage. No marriage, no kids.
Maybe my expectations on how important I should be in a person’s life is to high, or unrealistic, but I’m not giving it up. So I’ll learn to deal with being alone and lonely at times.
I come back here every so often when you cross my mind and check up on you. I am definitely a survivor and a healthy dose of hope is a prerequisite for that title. I have enough for the both of us. One day I’ll come back here and
1) read about how you have found your way once again
2) never hear another word from you and just know that you have finally found your way <— see! Incurable optimist and romantic.
I am having a great life! I'd throw my party confetti your way if I could… you'll join me in celebrating life one day.
I don’t go to bed all the time in pain, so I geuss I am doing better. But I’m…not sure what to call it Dotbar. I kind of just float through the days, sort apathetic, and resigned to this new normal. All I can say is that either I’ve got mental issues, or the love I had was real, because nothing else and no one interests me. Literally, I was out at an event with dozens of women that many men would consider fine as hell, and I was like…whatever. I mean not a single hormone reaction. They were like trees in the distance just part of the background. So I’m just focusing on work, and deciding what I’m gonna do with my life as a person who is alone.
Hey, Joe.
This post hit home for me. I spent a lot of time at my ex-girlfriend’s house when we were together, and subsequently I ended up talking to her younger brother a lot. Of course, I thought he was annoying at first, but warmed up to him when I discovered we shared an interest in videogames and computing; things I loved when I was his age, but since then had set aside.
Your post reminded me of him, and I have often missed talking to him just like I miss watching TV with the ex or playing with her pet dog. He was, so to speak, the younger brother I had never had. When I first realised this, it was a very strange feeling. I had never thought or cared about having a younger sibling before, as I myself am the youngest of my family, but the feeling of “brotherly” connection I had with him made me rethink things. For a short moment of my life, I felt like I could be a role model—someone somebody could look up to.
Though I miss her and her family as much as I do, I hold onto the memories as best as I can. There are times when I want to erase every blasted memory with the blink of an eye, but some memories are resilient; they have imprinted me so much that I resist the erasure. I have never had much of a connection with anyone in my family, and my ex’s family was as a surrogate to me. I cannot shake the feeling of fitting in that I felt when I was with her family.
It is indeed bittersweet. I hope—and am trying to trust—that some day in the future these familial and personal aspirations will transcend memory and find residence in something new in my future.
Best of luck to you, Joe. You are not alone in your solitude
You know…alone is not always bad either. Just a thought…