I dont know how to bend. And so I break.
This dawned on me just a few minutes ago. See, it’s that time again. The holiday season, of which I hate. I don’t feel thankful. And I get annoyed with people who point out all the reasons I should be. what good is all that, if you don’t have what you really want. And truth be told, I want what I had. I want my past, my future back. Yeah yeah I know. I cannot have that, at least I don’t know a single thing I can do to get it either. If I did, I’m sure I would have tried by now. Maybe that is one reason the hooks are still in me? But I digress.
Its thanksgiving, and I’d rather like to be at the movies with my little buddies. I’d rather be trying some inane dish, Tina’s mom made that only I would be willing to try as the rest of the family looks at me like I’m nuts. I’d rather feel the self satisfaction as the rest of them learn that what she made is actually quite good–most of the time anyway. But I don’t have that and so I’m depressed. And this is when I discover just how uncompromising I am.
I ask myself, “self what would you do, could you do to make it all a little better . What’s the second thing that could make you enjoy the holiday season again. What would put a smile on your face?” And I get nothing. Nadda. No trip, not time with my own family back home, and a new chick (the horror of THAT idea sends chills down my spine), nothing. I want what I want, and if I cannot have it, and cant think of a way to get it. No substitute will do. There is no, “well I will just do this over here.”
What does that say about me? Something unflattering I’m sure. But you know, I’m tired. I cannot try to fight what I feel or believe. I lost the strength too a loooong time ago. Now I just accept that I feel the way I do, and if it makes me pathetic, silly, or weak sounding, I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. I’m like that dog in the old saying, you know the one, where the dog is laying on a nail. Except I just cant be bothered to get up. So I guess I will polish off this wine, and watch another movie. Something nice and violent, and action oriented, or maybe a super hero one. Yeah, nothing beats watching Batman kick someone’s ass.
One holiday down. Two more to go. Oh fucking joy.
Hey Joe… you really need to move on from Tina or risk doing some irreparable mental health damage to yourself.
It is hard to have empathy for someone who won’t make the effort to move on. I think that three years is way too long… some would say even a year of mourning what ‘never was’ is too much time spent dwelling on what went wrong.
It is far more promising to think of what you can do in order to improve on a relationship with a person who shares the same interests and can provide as enviable an environment as the one you feel you lost with Tina. I even think your brother would benefit from you being in a healthy relationship but only if you really put your heart into the new relationship and let Tina go..!
I hear what you’re trying to say, I do Mark. But just because it is the right thing to do, doesn’t mean its easy. At least not to me. People you move on quickly, didn’t really care to begin with. At least thats what I think.
But move on to what? I was talking about this with a friend today. I am irrevocably changed by this, and no longer want the things I wanted before. Part of that I’m sure is due to a part me that wants it with her. The larger part of it though is that I’m honest enough with myself to realize that after this I’m not emotionally capable of handling the reality that someone can (and probably will) leave you at some point. A man’s got to know his limits is a famous Clint Eastwood line I believe. I’ve hit mine.