Archive for the ‘Moving On’ Category

Next week is my best friends birthday.  last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it.  In fact I forgot several peoples birthday.  So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday.  I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here.  I just dont know how divorced parents do it.  In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.

yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer.  It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want.    Playing with them made me ache though, and sad.  Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed.  its made me feel all warm inside for a moment.  But only for a moment.


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So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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‘See what happens after the break up”  That was the tagline that began this blog.  The answer for me at least has been a descent into anger, bitterness, and despair. Now I have reached…giving up.

Considering the history or my past relationship and the way it ended, it’s easy for people to just view my words and actions today thru the prism, “Of you’re just mad at one person.  She is not all women.”  That is both true and untrue.  See, unspoken in many ways is that part of my anger at her, moves beyond her and extents to women in general because she basically did what I have always hated about so many women.  Namely, they leave good men.  And bitch later about there not being good men.

See, long before Tina, there were all these female friends I have had over the years and they came to me for advice, and they all had bad relationships, and they all chose bad men, or broke up with good men to date bad men.  I thought I had broken away from that idiocy when I found Tina.  Cleary I was wrong, as she did not truly love or appreciate the blessing she had in her life.  She made her choice, it will bite her in the ass one day.  And whatever form it takes, she deserves it, and more.

For me, I have to build a second life.  I’ve reached that point in life where statistically I’m probably going to end up alone–even if I don’t want too.  But what would not being alone get me?  I’ve always thought that men and women need each other.  And in a perfect world they do, the yin and the yang and all that.  But so many things I have observed in my own relationships, and hundreds of others I have seen from the outside as an advice giver has shown me that women are great to be friends with, sleep with, or work with, but are just too emotional and flighty to trust with your heart. And so, I will no longer do so.

I have spent 30 plus years on this planet, and all I have gotten from the other half is pain, rejection, and lack of appreciation of a guy that actually walks the walk of that “good man” they are all looking for and have gotten nothing back for it.  I should have been gobbled up years ago..before I even met Tina to blunt about it. 

The second half of my life has already started. I lost 7 yrs in a relationship that turned into a waste of my time, with a woman who was a waste of my time. I have lost another 2 over depression.  For my second act I think I will pursue what I see woman pursuing.  They don’t need a man, except to take them places, buy them things, or except to generally provide them with a good time, and then shake hands and leave them alone.  Okay, fine.  Men invented that game long ago and are better at it really, so I will go that route.

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A friend sent me the picture to the right.  Despite the response I think I may get, I decided to post it and the thoughts she sent me.  See,  me and Tina once went to Atlanta, and this particular friend of mine spent some time with us out on the town.  While walking down the street toward a club for a Spoken word night we were passing a woman trying to carry some bags and stuff up to her downtown apartment.  She had one child in her arm, one on the street, a bunch of bags, and a useless jack-ass of a man.  I say that because he was not really helping her with the stuff, and as she grabbed for her older child’s arm to keep her from running into the street, while holding a bag, she nearly dropped the younger boy she was holding.

Without really thinking about it, I rushed over and helped support him so he did not fall, and then just took him into my arms as she got hold of her little girl.  I then helped them, (read her) with the bags.  As I write this incident I had forgotten about, it really sounds more than it was.  It’s not like I saved the kid from a car or anything.  But my friend, emailed me that Tina kinda laughed and that I reminded her of a lion whenever something that annoyed me tremendously, and  because of the dreads and the glare I was giving the useless man.  She had told this lion thing to me before, so that was not that big of a surprise.  She would have dreams (according to her) about me and sometimes that was how I was.  My dreads were longer and thicker then, so I got the reason she said it, and as man, I of course, took any opportunity to soak anything that compared me to something regal and powerful. Dont laugh we can be vain too.

I was surprised that she told someone else this, and when I was not around.  So my friend saw the pic and felt that this image of a lion dying reminded her of me in the context of that conversation.  Not physically she hoped, though she wonders sometimes, but the spirit.  I never thought of myself in that way.  But I could see what she meant, and I couldn’t disagree.

The question is who or what emerges now.  If I had to guess, I probably wouldn’t bother.  It would probably be something like a slung or sloth-considering how much I sleep these days.  I don’t know.  I have not dealt with this very well, and the reasons why in my mind are always changing.  I wish many days though that I could go back to 2001 and just keep myself from going to the convention that I met her at.  I think life would be so much better now.

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Here are the bullet points from the last three days.  It’s isn’t pretty.

I was just released  from the hospital today.  yesterday I took a supplement that had adverse reaction to a prescription drug I’m on.  You always hear the warnings, but how often do you take them seriously, right?   Well, listen.  After taking them, I was rushed to the emergency room, where I laid for 15 mins before a doc came to me and asked what was wrong.  But that time my right side was numb.  My sides felt like it was going to burst open.  The docs thought my vitals were fine despite what I was telling them. Eventually they started paying  attention, when a pain shot from my ankle  to my heart shot through me, like bullets thru a window pane.  I balled up tight, screamed, and then nearly fell off the gurney.  I could feel, more than hear, rapid activity behind me as I guess the docs started to pay attention.  I didn’t know what was happening, but I felt myself getting weaker, and my voice was slower, and darkness was slowly closing in on me.  It looked like I was looking through a camera and the sides were closing in on each other.  I thought, wow, this is how it ends.  My last thoughts were on my brother and how I needed to take care of him, and was failing, and yes, of Tina.  I might have even called her name, I’m not sure; this becomes pertain it in a bit. Then I was out.

Either I passed out, or in arrest, the nurses never told me.  But I came to in a  incoherent state–which was good. Because the rest of the night was a nightmare.  I spent the next 4 or 5 hours going into convulsions every 15 or 20 mins.  And as the night wore on, they got closer and closer.  And stronger and stronger.  One minute I’m just lying there and then next my head is whipping side to side like in the exorcist, and the next my  hand  is doing a smacking motion to my cheek over and over.  It’s like I have epilepsy, but I have no history in family.  At least one body part or another was moving on its own control.  I had none.  Which for me, drove me to the point of tears.

I stayed like that the rest of the night.  it did not subside until they gave me a muscle relaxation or something else.  Three of my friends where there and one stayed with me all night.  Others were given the situation via phone.  I’ve been to the hospital before for other things, and so my emergency contacts are in their system.  So you can guess who one of them is.  The hospital called Tina.  And she got a call from to other people telling her the situation.

So here’s the thing.  Whether I was going to, or just thought I was, in what felt, oh this is it for me, one of my last thoughts was of the woman I had loved  so long.  And who did not, probably never really did love me.  We are not together.  I am not even a close priority to her.  nonetheless, you would think she could had at least called to see if I ended up dead or alive.  But no, she did not. Not a call, not an email.  This isn’t like I had just broken an arm or a minor traffic accident.  There are plenty of people who pass because of drugs interacting to an adverse way.  And given what my brother witnessed happening to me, there would have been no reason to not assume something very bad was happening, and could get worse.  No calls.

Its been a year.  In my mind that’s only a year, not five.  NOt for something like this.  If you said yes to marry someone one, you ought to be a bit more concerned about whether they live or die, or if they are in the hospital for something serious. Even if you have separated, broken up, or whatever. hell my high school sweet heart would have called me and I have not kissed her in 30 goddanm years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me fucking stupid, but I would think most normal people would at call and find out what is going on.

So I take ownership.  No bullshit.  This is my fault. I should never had fallen in love with, held on to, or felt like I felt for someone so self-involved.  Whatever it was, it aint that way now.  I was literally thinking of someone who’s reaction was more like, this information is  an inconvenience to my life.  I’m human so I’m gonna allow myself to be petty, and wish I can be around to say to her, “stop bitching and crying over XY and Z.  After how you treated someone else, the universe is giving your ass exactly what you deserve.

The next day was  little better, but I was alive that is all that matters.  I’m not perfect.  I’m loud, overbearing, completely immature about rubbing things I end up being right about in to peoples faces, and I could go on and on.  But whatever my faults I have more positive traits than negative.  I think the number of friends I have  and the loyalty I seem to be able to get from them {though not from girlfriend) is a testament to that. Every friend in the area came to hospital or to my house, after I got home. I’ve gotten calls from out-of-state.  BUT, Tina has not called me, or checked on me.  If for nothing else than pure human decency I think she should be able to spare a minute to check in on the person she used to frolic around naked with for gods-sakes.  But that’s me.  As with everything else with her, I was clearly, utterly fucking wrong about her.  And I’m gonna have to look toward myself to figure out, why and how I was fooled.  But I tell you, it stings.  I think some people that commit suicide do so because they think its the only way to get that person’s attention, or make them feel bad.  Other people just wonder how their would act if they did die.  Well, I don’t have to wonder about that. I could be dead, and I think that if I was, her attitude would be, the funeral is an inconvenience to her.

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I feel silly waiting in front of the restaurant wondering when my friend would get there, and wondering what her friend looked like.  As stupid as this sounds, but this usually the part where I get annoyed, because I don’t want to be looking, I’m passed all that, or at least I thought I was.  So looking usually has the effect of reminding me that what I thought and wanted is over.  A fact that I still don’t like to deal with head on.

Her, Vivian, is an attractive woman.  Not my usual type for sure, but I have been comparing women, so to speak, to Tina for years, so I automatically default to her level as a base line.  That’s not really fair to be honest.  If Tina was tall, she’d be a big time model by now, but I digress.  I don’t let the physical side stay in my head to long, as this last year and two months have nailed the idea that looks ain’t everything.

Things went well, if awkward, since my friend is hoping me and Vivian can kinda date.  We have a lot in common actually and she is definitely a different caliber of woman.  Tina was a new graduate when I met her.  And because of some choices she made and the jobs she had, she did not move out of her mom’s house until 2 1/2 years ago.  She has not had a great deal of life experience either, perhaps making our situation problematic.  Vivian is in her 30’s, been married and divorced, has her career for quite awhile, owns two homes, has traveled extensively.  That’s a different caliber of a woman looking at the world differently that goes beyond the expected difference between two different people.

Brunch was pleasant, and I get her phone number if for no other reason that to just hang out.  I’m not doing any real dating this year at all.  I made that commitment to myself.  And to fair, I have given nearly a decade to a relationship, but who’s outcome I never had any control over.  I never tried to direct it while together.  I would do what I thought would be the right thing, so to speak, not realizing that if the other person is not trying to do the same, it can be a big problem.  It seems odd that these things were lingering, and yet we were together so long.   And not just hanging around.  From 3 1/2 years out talk was done in the way of us being married in the future.  Many argument or concerns where looked at from that framework.  Hence, my still not getting why she believes she was wrong about me and her; exactly I dont think she even thinks about like that, she ignores the statements as if she never said them.  In any case, I think I need to begin this decade focusing on what I can control, and that’s my goals, and career.  I’m going through the grief, I guess, and so I’m not all the motivated for dating, so we will probably just hang out sometimes

PS..I need to make up some stories.  I mean, we talked about travel and a few other things, and I can’t talk about any of it with Tina in the convo or in my head, because ALL the stories I have, and many of the things I did was with her.  It’s sort of annoying.

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I awaken from one of the many naps I find myself taking these days,and my first thought is about people I have dated.  I stood and thought all of them, and how I shared a few funny moments, and then we moved on.  I thought about how I never think of them, and most every day it’s as if I never met them.  I’m sure it’s the same for them, in regards, to me.  But is that I what I have become to Tina?  An after thought, or no thought?

I fear the only answer is yes.  I wish I could go back to sleep.

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