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Working late tonight, and a co-worker is having chest pains.  Everyone is worried, and wondering whether to call the ambulance or not.  Its the second day in a row.

Here’s the kicker.  A friend offers to drive him home, but is hesitant because the guy and his wife are having issues.  BINGO!  I immediately know the problem.  his damn wife is tripping and he’s stressed out about it.  Same BS happened to me when me and Tina broke up.  I thought I was having a heart attack and was even more pissed because I knew I was young and healthy.

In the end it was the pain and stress from the break up.  And this guy’s situation has thrown me right back to the day, and the feeling I had as I watched my world collapse.  it was hell then.  its hell remembering.

I’m sorry but its times like these I question how “perfect” God is, considering he made these creatures we call females.

 

 

 

 

Missing Piece Of Me.. by Dolly Poserio.

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I really don’t know if what i feel is real
There is something in me that wants to reveal
I hope and believe that it is you in thee
Whom I wanted to see in the future with me

No matter how hard I tried to forget and leave the past
Memories always coming back, stayed and never last
I deleted your mail and emptied your folder
But can’t command thy heart even you said ‘forever’ no reaching out

To love is to hold and behold what is mine
Share the happiness that brings everyone in kind
Fate and destiny will definitely find its way
For happiness is to take and not to slip away

I love you is all I ever knew
Feelings that can’t hide and makes me feel in blue
I hate you for I don’t know what to do
My heart says that the missing piece of me is you

Weird week.  I have had no less than three different women make it quite clear that we could have…some fun as it were.  And what did I do?  Ignored them.

I had decixded that I was gonna not date, not have anything close to sex, and basically no deal with women beyond…well work.  AND yet opppirtunities have presented themselves to me.  And I essentially turned them down.  I tell myself its because I have made decision to not deal with women.  But I know in my heart that is not true.

 

Truth is I just cannot get into it, since it aint…her.  Someone come  shoot me in the fucking head please.

I thought I had recovered a bit from the meltdowns I felt I had in the last three weeks or so.  Not overly ticked off through the day, less annoyed, able to keep my mind off certain things, and then WHAM.  I’m up late, and little tired, just surfing the channels and I stop on one of those house buying shows, with a newlywed couple looking for their first house.  And all the little jokes, and memories of me and Tina looking for houses together slams into my mind and emotions.  I think I get more annoyed with the feeling of needing to damn near be asleep all the time to avoid stuff like this, because its everything.  You expect those episodes to happen if you look at pictures, or talk about her, or listen to soft music, or see a romantic comedy (which I avoid like the ebola virus) but how the hell do you shield yourself from the most innocuous things?  I mean jesus.  I know some of the readers here may think I just dwell on it constantly everyday.  And I promise you I dont.  I dont want to at all.  It just comes unbidden, without conscious thought or desire.

Either I’m fucked up, or she certainly did not know or deserve the level of commitment I had for us. Perhaps both.

“It is difficulties that show what men are.”

I read this on a site today about Epictetus.  If this is true, then I don’t feel like much of a man.  Truly inside I feel weak.  I feel lonely.  I feel like I want to shutter myself away.  And even though I keep hearing not to do that, I feel in my instance it maybe the best thing.

WHen I look back on my life all my moments of pain have to do mostly with a woman.  I’ve never broke up with anyone.  I did not hold on to every girl I dated, but I never initiated a split.  The closest I ever came was with Tina in our third year.  That lasted a week, and I felt like I needed to be more patient with what I was unhappy about.  I felt I was over looking most of the good and looking at just the bad.  So we ironed things out.  Sometimes, most times actually, I think the same thing happened in reverse, but Tina never forced herself to look and focus on what she had. I think if she had, we would have worked it through like we had with prior disagreements.  It’s a theory, can never tell since she declined to tell me the truth of the situation, or what her real issues were.

But the point is perhaps I just get too attached to people.  Maybe I cannot or rather do not know how to be myself.  I’ve never been a fan of being alone, and on intellectual level I have always felt we are made to be with people.  That it is our nature.  Now I think I’m wrong, or at least now I feel like I have to learn to not need anyone at all.  To take time and just be alone.  And not just no dating.  I don’t do that now.  I mean no hanging with all the females I have, that are probably mental surrogates for a girlfriend of sort.  Just get alone, be alone, live alone.

I got this feeling that I need to learn how to deal with pain, and loneliness, and that I’m the only one that can help me with it.  Or maybe I’m just fooling myself and its an excuse to not be hurt, to not be close to anyone.  I don’t know.

I do know I don’t like this feeling any more than I do without Tina.

Often I find myself looking up search terms on Google about how to change yourself, or re-inventing your life, becoming a brand new person, or other such notions.  I feel like I need to change, not just one thing, but a shit load of stuff.  Sometimes as a reaction to Tina, other times in response to what I feel lead me inexortably to this turn–the nice guy curse.  And I feel I dont want to be that guy any longer.  There has been no pay-off.  And other times its to create such a incredible life, so bright, it blinds Tina in her mistake.

I never find anything quite good on the subject.  But I found something that in a flash of personal insight, left me shaking my head.  This one site said in order to change, you have to first list everything you like and don’t like, all you want to change, and all that you dont want to change, and think about the things you really cannot.  And it struck me.  My biggest problem is I can’t let go how I felt about her, or us, or the members of her family.  I truly loved her, and wanted the life she told me she wanted.  And even though she does not think about me, and that it was obviously not strong to her (based on how she walked away), even though after all this time, and the pain she’s given me, we could never be together again, even though she has moved on with guys that make it impossible I feel to even be phyiscal with her if she did come back, EVEN with all that, I will never be able to change how I felt about us.  I cannot make myself turn from those feelings, and thoughts. Life goes on, but I always feel like a part of me is missing.  Everyday.

My best friend, Renee, she knows it.  She has told me there’s something off and its not just depression, or sadness, or anger, I’m different.  So I geuss the question is not how do I re-invent my life, or myself, but how do I deal with feelings that will not change.  That even though we are not going to be together, and it angers me, and pisses me off, and hurts me, NONE of that changes how I felt about her for those seven years.  And I wonder…did she know.  I mean did she really know.

I dont think she did.  I dont think she allowed herself too.  As for me…how do you change, how do you move forward, when the thing that is causing the pain, simply will not go away.  How do you move on with a smile on your face when you cannot denounce the past?

So, I’ve spent the week fighting off annoying dreams, finally getting desperate and getting sleeping pills from a friend.  Aaannd, for the 1st time ever they dont work.  I wake remembering another dream, and with the same sickening feeling in my gut I had for weeks after the break-up.  I try to shake off and go to work.  In the middle of my shift, I’m not thinking about her, but my stomach never settles until, I can feel the tears threating to come out. I get pissed, and it only makes it worse.

I quickly leave the floor and rush to my car. And it dawns on me, or rather I just deflate and accept I will never really be over the pain.  It will not go away.  It’s just there like a thorn in the middle of my back I cannot reach.  Why?  She is just freakin fine, why cant I be?  Is it because I could not/can’t get my brain to think there was something wrong with the relationship from the start?  Is it that I cannot rationalize and trick myself into thinking she could not be the one, or that I was just used to her and we’re both better off?  Why??????????????

So I’m done.  If my heart and head are gonna feel this way no matter what, I say fuck em I tired of trying to hope for better times and days.  I cannot fight it any more I dont have the energy I dont have the will. My heart and head made a decision regarding Tina long ago, and its steadfast in the belief. So I’m gonna have to put up with the aftermath of that belief being rejected by life, tina, God, or whatever spirits I pissed off some fucking how. I am resigned to how its gonna be–how it is. LOL I dont get what I wanted, or deserved, and I dont even get to be like others and pitch off a cliff like many do, because I have a brother to take care of. Nope.  Anyway I cut it, I’m stuck with this shit, with no escape.