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Posts Tagged ‘change’

So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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Often I find myself looking up search terms on Google about how to change yourself, or re-inventing your life, becoming a brand new person, or other such notions.  I feel like I need to change, not just one thing, but a shit load of stuff.  Sometimes as a reaction to Tina, other times in response to what I feel lead me inexortably to this turn–the nice guy curse.  And I feel I dont want to be that guy any longer.  There has been no pay-off.  And other times its to create such a incredible life, so bright, it blinds Tina in her mistake.

I never find anything quite good on the subject.  But I found something that in a flash of personal insight, left me shaking my head.  This one site said in order to change, you have to first list everything you like and don’t like, all you want to change, and all that you dont want to change, and think about the things you really cannot.  And it struck me.  My biggest problem is I can’t let go how I felt about her, or us, or the members of her family.  I truly loved her, and wanted the life she told me she wanted.  And even though she does not think about me, and that it was obviously not strong to her (based on how she walked away), even though after all this time, and the pain she’s given me, we could never be together again, even though she has moved on with guys that make it impossible I feel to even be phyiscal with her if she did come back, EVEN with all that, I will never be able to change how I felt about us.  I cannot make myself turn from those feelings, and thoughts. Life goes on, but I always feel like a part of me is missing.  Everyday.

My best friend, Renee, she knows it.  She has told me there’s something off and its not just depression, or sadness, or anger, I’m different.  So I geuss the question is not how do I re-invent my life, or myself, but how do I deal with feelings that will not change.  That even though we are not going to be together, and it angers me, and pisses me off, and hurts me, NONE of that changes how I felt about her for those seven years.  And I wonder…did she know.  I mean did she really know.

I dont think she did.  I dont think she allowed herself too.  As for me…how do you change, how do you move forward, when the thing that is causing the pain, simply will not go away.  How do you move on with a smile on your face when you cannot denounce the past?

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As I mentioned in my last post, I went to a party this weekend at a multi-millionaires house.  This was more than a night out though.  See the person hosting the party is a friend/business associate of a woman who I host an internet talk show with.  We have been doing this show for 8 months or so, and we have been hanging out a lot as a result.  She is more than a colleague, she is a friend.  So I found this situation strange.

See, she mentioned the party 3 weeks ago, and then told me it had been canceled.  Ok, so I forgot about it.   Fast forward, and I call her Sat night. Ask her what’s she’s doing, and she says “I’m taking a shower and getting ready to take my YMCA kids to movies.” Ok, well then I’ll catch up with you later, right?  An hour later, another friend calls me and asks if I want to hang at this party that the owner of a Mercedes-Benz dealership is having.  Of course, I ask if she’s sure it’s the Mercedes owner, because I know my co-host/friend would have mentioned it to me.  Long story, it is the same guy and party my friend mentioned to me 3 weeks before, and as it turned out she was at the party–not at the movies with YMCA kids.  She was quite surprised that i was at the party.  I was quite…annoyed with her.

SO I called her on it.  And basically said, if you did not want to hang with me, then just say so. Don’t lie to me, I had enough of that with Tina.  She got offended, because I accused her of lying when the truth is (she says) they ended up not needing her to volunteer for the YMCA kids, and she just happened to have one of her friends then call her to take her to the party that she forgot to tell me was in fact not canceled. ???????

Now all of this can seem like petty high school stuff I know. BUT, I have little patience for lying to me these days.  If she did not want me there, just say so. Or whatever.  BUT what I discovered was that I was repeating a pattern.

The truth is I should not have given a rats ass if she lied to me or not, or wanted me there or not.  I care too damn much. I should not. And when I thought about it, something similar-though without the lie, or coincidental memory lapse, with someone else that stopped talking or texting me for like two weeks.  I’m allowing myself to get attached , not in a I want you way-OH GOD NO, but the way friends can get I guess.  But that needs to stop being my life.  I’m the only one I can depend on, and I need to realize that in a real way.

So my solution is simple.  I will not hang.  Not because I feel the need to end the friendship or even because of lack of “trust” in her now.  But because if I hang, I will get attached to people, and I need to not do that.

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This past weekend I, on a whim, went to a party that was held at the private residence of a multi-millionaire in town.  The night had a couple of revelations.  The first was that as I walked around this house located in the same community as Tiger Woods house, it struck me that if I had this house.  If I had a house like it, and the money that went with it, Tina would still be with me.  I commented on that fact to the friend I had come with, and thier response was predictable and accurate:

“Well, then she would have been with you for the money only.”

I know she was right, but the following thought came into my mind.  “I don’t care.”  In that moment I knew it would not have mattered to me.  And, when I thought about it more, it was not because of desperation, or at least not just desperation.  The feeling I had was, that house, that success, is what I’m supposed to have anyway.  So what if it was a factor in keeping her around.  It felt like knowing a woman stayed around because I brushed my teeth.  I’m supposed to do that.  I mean I hate gold diggers.  I think they are the worse women on the planet, and I have little sympathy for whatever happens to them as a result of chasing the money.  I mean I REALLY have no sympathy for thier trials: cheating, abuse, etc., I dont care.  You want the guy to pay, I say you play whatever game he wants to play.  BUT in this situation, I just felt, at least in the moment, hey this is what I should have anyway, and if I had been with her and had it I would not have thought twice about why she was there.  Could that have blown up later, yeah I geuss, but I geuss I feel like that was what I should have provided anyway. 

I don’t have it, not yet.  Maybe not ever now.  For various reasons.

What this says about me, I don’t know.  Maybe if I’m willing to think that way about Tina, I ought to be less judgemental of other golddiggers.  I don’t know.

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I picked up a copy of the Harvard Business Review this past weekend.  This month’s subject being, “Having a Vision.”  The subject interested me for several reasons.  The first being that I didn’t have one, or at least I felt like I did not.  I have goals, things I want to have, would like to do.  That’s not the same as having a vision though.  The other reason is because shortly before the demise of my relationship with Tina, I was struggling to define what my new direction and path was going to be.  Oftentimes I have wondered out loud if this lack of clarity, or this search was the unspoken reason for her leaving.  Like or not, everyone wants a sense of stability and security from her man.  When a man is searching for a new direction, security can be a hard to find item. Though, it helps to look at what a man HAS done thus far to help the woman through that uncertainty she may feel.  it’s the ONE thing, the single item that despite my despair over the loss of Tina, I still will not give her a break on.  I had taken care of myself, I was taking care of my brother.  No matter what direction I was going or how tough the road would become, I would take care of my responsibilities.  She should have seen that, and listened.  The third reason I wanted to read and study the subject is that whatever direction or vision I was cooking up, I had one vision that was rock solid, and that was the vision of the life me and Tina would have.  The type of husband I would be.  The type of father I required myself to be.  The type of son-in-law and family member I would be.  I had it, and it was crystal clear.  And Tina pointed a shot gun at it, and blew it to dust.

In reading the HBR, a short section on personal vision talks about how pursing your vision will not be a A to B to C progression.  “Stuff Will Happen!” Which is why I felt compelled to write tonight.  Because that is exactly what happened to me–though I don’t think I would use the word stuff to describe it.  But I digress.  I had a vision, stuff happened, and now I need a new one, except I cannot get the old one out of my mind.  It’s still squatting in my heart and mind.  I was so sure. Now, I feel like a fool. A fool for believing in it, and a fool for not being able to let it go.  Tina had a vision, and it was never about really about me.  If it was, she would be here.  For me it was not about being married.  It was about being married to her.

Now…now I don’t know what direction to go, but I think I’m gonna have to do something drastic, or I won’t survive.

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This is perhaps the most important and personal blog entry I have written in the Break Up Diaries.  I debated whether to even write it, or share the thoughts and feelings running around in my head today, and tonight.  In many ways it’s not something I would want to admit.  But I have to get the thoughts out of my head, and this is the only way I know how to at 12:45AM at night.

This week, yesterday actually, I sold the engagement ring.  I also, as I related in my other blog post,Bright Lights, Bright City I found out Tina is moving from where she is now and heading to another city.  Even though its been a year, the news made everything more real; that we are no longer a part of each others lives, she doesn’t want to be, and we never will be.  The weight of those things I could feel more strongly than at any other time.  So I thought that is until the attendant at the jewelry store handed me a check and asked for the ring.  I didn’t hear him–literally.  I was to busy just staring at the ring; replaying the process of finding it in my mind.  Revisiting the reaction to the ring from her.  On the third try, the attendant got my attention and I handed over the ring.

I left the store in a daze and immediately went and got drunk.  The next day, I found out where generally Tina was gonna be working.  And a smile came to my lips.  It’s a network she has always loved, and tried to get me, her dad, and mom to watch.  I felt sad that I could not tease her about the irony of the job, like I know myself and her whole family would have done.  I felt happy and proud of her, and then pissed at myself.  I should not care.  I should not even be concerned one wit about the next stage in her life.  It does not include me, by her obstinate choice, and I’ve got enough to worry about in my own life.

And that made me think why am I not?  And some things bubbled to the surface, starting with the thought that maybe it was my fault.  Maybe I had screwed it up some how. Beautiful, gorgeous girl, story book meeting, romance worthy of a chick flick, and now gone.    Maybe  I pushed too hard, did not take the lead as a man, and therefore lost attractiveness, maybe I should have moved more quickly on my career.  I’ll never know for certain, but I did recognize something deep seeded inside.  Fear.

Truth is I’m afraid I will end up proving her right some how.  Lead a mediocre life for the next ten plus years, and she’ll be out in the world famous, and saying see, I did make the right decision.  I’m afraid that I won’t find love again, and I will end up as alone as any man who had a wife and family and ignored them.  I fear that I will never really want any other love, and that I’ll never stop feeling this way.

I fear that I was right about me and her, that we were supposed to be together, and won’t be because I fucked it up some how.  And I then I go back to success again.  I fear that I will not reach the success I should for one reason or another, and validate her thoughts.  Her life is exciting to her I’m sure with this new job.  And I’m sure I’m supposed to get excited about my life, my future.  It’s not as if I don’t have anything going on.  I do.  But I’m not excited about them.  I cannot get excited by them.  I’m just…detached. In a way I feel like a man walking toward the top of a mountain, and has located a good route to the top, and as I move, I keep looking back.  The path before me is not the one I want to take. But there is no way to the path I want, and I may not make it to the top.

That is not a very productive thought process, but its the truth.  What do I do about it?  I don’t really know, since I’m not sure why I feel these things to begin with. Is that I don’t think I can get a better looking woman (that would be hard in all honesty), or that I’m good but flawed in someway that precludes marriage.  I mean she does know me in ways no one else does; fears, hopes, dreams, frustrations.

Or maybe I’m just stuck in the process of reconciling that she is not going be in my life, her triumphs and failures, are no longer my concern and beyond what I know now, I won’t know anything in the future.  it is no longer my job to know.  Maybe its all that, and I just cannot deal with it right now, and so I feel more and more depressed.  I just don’t know.

I just know that on days like today, I feel the love I had just simmering unneath everything with no where to go.  It aches.  And all I can think about is a line from  a song by Maxwell, This Womans Work, “Oh darling, pleease make it go awaay.”

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Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

There are few quotes that can sum up my life so easily.  Everything was going according to plan.  We met, it was magic, we had personal events that brought us closer together, we had problems that we overcome, and then I found the type of ring she would love, asked and she said yes.  And then something broke us apart.  Was it another man, fear of making a mistake, was it me–did I do something really wrong, or was it just a combination.  I sit and wonder how she goes about life with another man, and cannot quite get it.  I’ve sort of dated a couple of people if you can call it that.  I mean I hung out with them, they wanted more, I tried, and could not do it.  Tina never left my mind.  I’m sorry if I  cannot imagine how I left hers.  I mean there is no way she could possible think I was that bad, I’ll never get it I guess.  And it does not matter anyway, because my lack of pride right now is astounding.  I mean I just want what is supposed to be back to the way it is.  Of course, that is next to impossible.  We don’t talk.  We don’t see each other.  There is no connection to try to build on except the past; which she is determined to just forget, ignore, or discount.  And it’s a past that I can’t forget, or let go of at all.

Where is my pride I wonder.  or does such  thing really exist when you are in love enough to want to spend the rest of your life with someone through all things?  I wonder what she tells her family now?  yeah, I know it does not matter.  Or at least should not.  But it does.  So life happened to me while I was making plans.

Is there anyway back?  Any way at all?

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