Posts Tagged ‘committment’

So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.


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So, I’ve spent the week fighting off annoying dreams, finally getting desperate and getting sleeping pills from a friend.  Aaannd, for the 1st time ever they dont work.  I wake remembering another dream, and with the same sickening feeling in my gut I had for weeks after the break-up.  I try to shake off and go to work.  In the middle of my shift, I’m not thinking about her, but my stomach never settles until, I can feel the tears threating to come out. I get pissed, and it only makes it worse.

I quickly leave the floor and rush to my car. And it dawns on me, or rather I just deflate and accept I will never really be over the pain.  It will not go away.  It’s just there like a thorn in the middle of my back I cannot reach.  Why?  She is just freakin fine, why cant I be?  Is it because I could not/can’t get my brain to think there was something wrong with the relationship from the start?  Is it that I cannot rationalize and trick myself into thinking she could not be the one, or that I was just used to her and we’re both better off?  Why??????????????

So I’m done.  If my heart and head are gonna feel this way no matter what, I say fuck em I tired of trying to hope for better times and days.  I cannot fight it any more I dont have the energy I dont have the will. My heart and head made a decision regarding Tina long ago, and its steadfast in the belief. So I’m gonna have to put up with the aftermath of that belief being rejected by life, tina, God, or whatever spirits I pissed off some fucking how. I am resigned to how its gonna be–how it is. LOL I dont get what I wanted, or deserved, and I dont even get to be like others and pitch off a cliff like many do, because I have a brother to take care of. Nope.  Anyway I cut it, I’m stuck with this shit, with no escape.

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‘See what happens after the break up”  That was the tagline that began this blog.  The answer for me at least has been a descent into anger, bitterness, and despair. Now I have reached…giving up.

Considering the history or my past relationship and the way it ended, it’s easy for people to just view my words and actions today thru the prism, “Of you’re just mad at one person.  She is not all women.”  That is both true and untrue.  See, unspoken in many ways is that part of my anger at her, moves beyond her and extents to women in general because she basically did what I have always hated about so many women.  Namely, they leave good men.  And bitch later about there not being good men.

See, long before Tina, there were all these female friends I have had over the years and they came to me for advice, and they all had bad relationships, and they all chose bad men, or broke up with good men to date bad men.  I thought I had broken away from that idiocy when I found Tina.  Cleary I was wrong, as she did not truly love or appreciate the blessing she had in her life.  She made her choice, it will bite her in the ass one day.  And whatever form it takes, she deserves it, and more.

For me, I have to build a second life.  I’ve reached that point in life where statistically I’m probably going to end up alone–even if I don’t want too.  But what would not being alone get me?  I’ve always thought that men and women need each other.  And in a perfect world they do, the yin and the yang and all that.  But so many things I have observed in my own relationships, and hundreds of others I have seen from the outside as an advice giver has shown me that women are great to be friends with, sleep with, or work with, but are just too emotional and flighty to trust with your heart. And so, I will no longer do so.

I have spent 30 plus years on this planet, and all I have gotten from the other half is pain, rejection, and lack of appreciation of a guy that actually walks the walk of that “good man” they are all looking for and have gotten nothing back for it.  I should have been gobbled up years ago..before I even met Tina to blunt about it. 

The second half of my life has already started. I lost 7 yrs in a relationship that turned into a waste of my time, with a woman who was a waste of my time. I have lost another 2 over depression.  For my second act I think I will pursue what I see woman pursuing.  They don’t need a man, except to take them places, buy them things, or except to generally provide them with a good time, and then shake hands and leave them alone.  Okay, fine.  Men invented that game long ago and are better at it really, so I will go that route.

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This past weekend I, on a whim, went to a party that was held at the private residence of a multi-millionaire in town.  The night had a couple of revelations.  The first was that as I walked around this house located in the same community as Tiger Woods house, it struck me that if I had this house.  If I had a house like it, and the money that went with it, Tina would still be with me.  I commented on that fact to the friend I had come with, and thier response was predictable and accurate:

“Well, then she would have been with you for the money only.”

I know she was right, but the following thought came into my mind.  “I don’t care.”  In that moment I knew it would not have mattered to me.  And, when I thought about it more, it was not because of desperation, or at least not just desperation.  The feeling I had was, that house, that success, is what I’m supposed to have anyway.  So what if it was a factor in keeping her around.  It felt like knowing a woman stayed around because I brushed my teeth.  I’m supposed to do that.  I mean I hate gold diggers.  I think they are the worse women on the planet, and I have little sympathy for whatever happens to them as a result of chasing the money.  I mean I REALLY have no sympathy for thier trials: cheating, abuse, etc., I dont care.  You want the guy to pay, I say you play whatever game he wants to play.  BUT in this situation, I just felt, at least in the moment, hey this is what I should have anyway, and if I had been with her and had it I would not have thought twice about why she was there.  Could that have blown up later, yeah I geuss, but I geuss I feel like that was what I should have provided anyway. 

I don’t have it, not yet.  Maybe not ever now.  For various reasons.

What this says about me, I don’t know.  Maybe if I’m willing to think that way about Tina, I ought to be less judgemental of other golddiggers.  I don’t know.

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Today, really today and yesterday, I’ve spent nearly 18 hours at the hospital.  I have a friend that has gone in for emergency surgery.  I’ve know her about the same time as I’ve been apart from Tina.  She’s a good friend, great girl, perhaps even wanted more from me at one point, but after watching the level at which I had loved Tina, wanted and INDEED deserves, that love toward herself.  She knew I could not give it to her, but we have remained friends.

She may have to have a hysterectomy, no thats not true.  She will have to have one, and it will now happen sooner than later.  We had hoped the pain in her stomach was just from her appendix, but it is worse than that.  It’s bad news, and is draining emotionally.

What’s worse, at least for me, is she is at the same hospital that my mother was in before she died.  I have not been back there since that time, and so memories flood over into my mind.  Memories of her, memories of her and Tina.

I’ve been up since 6:30AM, after only two hours sleep.  I’m not that strong emotionally to begin with, and my walls are lower than usual.  I try to hide it, and do a decent job, since concern for my friend is the foremost thing in my mind, but other stuff is crowding my pysch, and wearing me down.  Her other friends and family get to the hospital, all are very kind about how I’ve been there, its nice to hear, but sends jabs thru the heart, since I feel like Tina should have known this about me, should have figured into her decision making process.  I hear echos from my best friend who reminds me all the time that she did not make the decision rationally.  In the sense, of sitting down and thinking through all the angles the way a person buys a house or plans a vacation.  The stuff that should have been important, were not the factors she was thinking about.  At least according to him.

Either way, I’m fighting two battles in myself until I finally leave for the day.  Her best friend is here now, so can stay with her at the hospital.  I reach home, and I’m wiped.  I look into the mirror in my bathroom.  I don’t know the person staring back.  I look beaten, tired, drawn,..old.

It’s a new day in my life.  Has been for awhile, and it feels like the end.

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All through the end of last year; the last two weeks or so, I did not sleep well at all.  I was haunted by persistent dreams, and waking in the morning with Tina on my mind day  after day after day.  I felt like just jumping out my freakin bedroom window.  I told friends that all I want now is peace.  Can I have some peace in my mind, in my life.  Its just wearing me down.

A friend told me I will not have peace till I forgive, and allow myself to look back at the good times and enjoy the memories.  I almost fucking smacked them.  Why?  Not because I tired of the notion that I should forgive, as if nothing bad was down to me.  But more from the assumption, or presumption that I would be able to think of the “good times.”  If they were as good as I thought wouldn’t she still be here.  Wouldn’t I be married right now?  No, when I think about any so called good times, it just sends me to memories of the end.  And now all I thought seems false. Like a mirage in a desert.

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I know I’m bitter, angry, and resentful.  I know this quite well, and decided to look up bitterness today for ways to overcome it.  For nearly three or four Google pages, most of the sites that came up were religious sites.

I find it funny as hell, considering that I blame God to some degree as much as I do her.  That may should strange to churching going folks, as God “does nothing wrong.”  But as I see it, either she was not meant to be with me, which means why did he put her in my life to freaking begin with.  Or she was the one, and so why was it allowed to just fall apart like that?  Either way, I don’t have much to say to God right about now.

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