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Posts Tagged ‘committment’

A few posts ago, I lamented/commented on Tina’s step niece, and sister to her nephew was working at the same job I was.  I see her every day, and typically say hello.  She was the one younger member of the family I was not close to.  I mean she was older, and not at the house a lot, but nonetheless she knows how I was with her brother, and her younger sister as well.

She walked up to me today to tell me she was at the house visiting her siblings.  She told me, that she told everyone I said hello.  And like a person pushing that button in the pic below I asked the one question I should have left alone.

That's me under the orange rock!

 

“What about Caleb, does he remember me?”

The look on her face told me all I needed to know.  He no longer does.  And that’s, well that.  The end of it and I geuss this fantasy in my brain I geuss.  I don’t know what I was expecting really.  It’s not as if he was really old, or like I was ever gonna see him or any of them again.  I geuss a part of me still wanted to hold on to something.  Maybe some stupid little validation that there was something special about me.  That I was not just some typical boyfriend that comes in a person’s life and then disappears like the second semester boyfriend in college.  That I was not just passing by.  But that is flatly all I am.  A sign post. A moment in time that was passed by a long time ago.  We dated, they sort of liked me, and that’s it.  Nothing more, probably less.  I have been forgotten. It’s time I forget about them and all that I thought mattered.  What it was in mind. Was just that…in my mind.  Which has zero to do with reality.

In the end, I’m not the special guy. I wont be seen as the good one that she let get away. There is nothing that will show the mistake I thought she made about us, about me. I’m the only one that cares, which dont get me squat.  Hard lesson, hard truth, hard to admit I needed something to hang on to  “prove” ‘hey, I’m the good guy. You fucked up’

I will have to remind myself for now on, that life and all in it faded away. It doesn’t matter any longer. They’ve moved on. I have no choice too, which means the things I hold to…I will have to force them away from my heart, my mind, my memories.

 

 

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I wake suddenly this morning and its like I’m back in the beginning. I feel utterly alone, angry, and impotent over what has happened.  And it dawns on me.  Love, whatever the hell that is and means, maybe I have felt it.  But my proves I sure as hell have never had it.  Love doesn’t quit.  it doesn’t leave.  Not without a fight.

She didn’t fight for me.  I cant say anyone ever has.  So much for me being a great guy.  So great, so good, that I just get left.  Now I understand why so many men don’t bother with doing what is nice, or good, or whatever you want to call it.  What’s the fucking point?  If they want you, they will stick around even if you smack them around all day.  And if you’re the second coming, they will nail your ass to the cross just the same.

As much as I thought we had, what I know I did, its amazing to me that the guy before and after me are getting more than I did.  I could die today, and it wouldn’t really make a difference to Tina. How’s that for getting what you deserve.

But that’s not what life is about I guess; getting what you deserve or what is fair.  You get what you get,  and unless you’re lucky, you get screwed.  I’m not lucky.  Never have been.

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Ok, it’s official.  God is fucking with me.  And I don’t like it.

Explain to me how in ALL the places to work in Orlando, I start working at a company where the sister of my little buddy Caleb, Tina’s niece is working at the same place, 20 feet from me.  I mean really people.  Seriously? What did I ever do to deserve this.  Now, I have even less of a choice to think about the kids, and that damn girl.  I don’t think I’ll be able to not make a comment about the new guy, or resist asking about  Caleb and wanting to see him.

I’m fucking sending my resume back out.

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A friend sent me the picture to the right.  Despite the response I think I may get, I decided to post it and the thoughts she sent me.  See,  me and Tina once went to Atlanta, and this particular friend of mine spent some time with us out on the town.  While walking down the street toward a club for a Spoken word night we were passing a woman trying to carry some bags and stuff up to her downtown apartment.  She had one child in her arm, one on the street, a bunch of bags, and a useless jack-ass of a man.  I say that because he was not really helping her with the stuff, and as she grabbed for her older child’s arm to keep her from running into the street, while holding a bag, she nearly dropped the younger boy she was holding.

Without really thinking about it, I rushed over and helped support him so he did not fall, and then just took him into my arms as she got hold of her little girl.  I then helped them, (read her) with the bags.  As I write this incident I had forgotten about, it really sounds more than it was.  It’s not like I saved the kid from a car or anything.  But my friend, emailed me that Tina kinda laughed and that I reminded her of a lion whenever something that annoyed me tremendously, and  because of the dreads and the glare I was giving the useless man.  She had told this lion thing to me before, so that was not that big of a surprise.  She would have dreams (according to her) about me and sometimes that was how I was.  My dreads were longer and thicker then, so I got the reason she said it, and as man, I of course, took any opportunity to soak anything that compared me to something regal and powerful. Dont laugh we can be vain too.

I was surprised that she told someone else this, and when I was not around.  So my friend saw the pic and felt that this image of a lion dying reminded her of me in the context of that conversation.  Not physically she hoped, though she wonders sometimes, but the spirit.  I never thought of myself in that way.  But I could see what she meant, and I couldn’t disagree.

The question is who or what emerges now.  If I had to guess, I probably wouldn’t bother.  It would probably be something like a slung or sloth-considering how much I sleep these days.  I don’t know.  I have not dealt with this very well, and the reasons why in my mind are always changing.  I wish many days though that I could go back to 2001 and just keep myself from going to the convention that I met her at.  I think life would be so much better now.

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A week ago I had a very disturbing dream.  This is not really all the surprising, I have dreams regarding Tina, if not all the time, certainly enough for them to be very annoying.  Quite often they have a habit of popping up when I’m not thinking about her.  Of course, she’s never really far from my mind, but what I mean, is not fixating on the loss.

If I’m thinking about her before bed heavily, then I’m not surprised if the wretch invades my head when asleep.  But often she does when I have not thought about her.  Oftentimes, it’s not even about her.  A week before the aforementioned dream, I had dreams about her dad, her brother, and my little buddy Caleb. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.

The last one though was a bit of a doozy.  I was in the hospital.  Apparently I was there because of severe headaches.  The doctor told me I had some sort of brain problem, tumor, aneurysm, etc, and I had only a couple of days to live.  I was dying and there was nothing to be done about it.

As I sat there in the bed and thought about the end of everything, two very distinct things came to mind, and if you’ve ever had a dream that felt real as all hell, then you can understand when I say I felt the emotion of the moment.  For me it was not fear, or uncertainty.  For me I felt this IMMENSE feeling of regret and despair about two things.  The first, being that I never got to marry or spend my life with Tina. Everything that had happened to end it (whatever the fuck it was) I just had this crushing weight on my chest that I did not get to be with her, travel with her, be in her life and hers in mine, the way we both had said and planned.  What this meant in the real world is beyond me.  Everyone, and their uncle, knows I wish this had not happened, that I don’t think this was the way it was supposed to end, but this feeling in the dream went beyond anything I’ve felt in the “real world.”  As stupid and cliché as it sounds, I guess I just really loved her. In the true sense of the word and in the way the word is meant to mean.

The second thing I regretted, and again with a wave of feeling that suffocated me was that I had not written  a book; especially a novel.  I’ve always wanted to.  I’ve got ideas for 12 different ones( this does not include my non-fiction book ideas)and even have one outlined and started, BUT none finished.  That I would pass, and none of those stories get out into the world.

Well, it felt like a sharp javelin to the heart.

I thought long and hard when I awoke.  I’m not sure what any of it means.  Sure it is easy to say start writing that damn novel.  Ok, I get that.  But Tina? Either by itself would make sense, both together…it bothered and disturbed me on a level nothing thus far has.  Maybe that is my damn problem, I have to understand everything, and life keeps throwing shit that don’t make no fucking sense at me.

The only thing I know for sure is that in my dream, I would have done anything–ANYTHING, to have those two things. But here in the flesh and blood world I can only have one. The only one I can effect any outcome is my book.  I can write a book if I cast off my lack of discipline and work past/with my lingering sadness, bitterness, and deep anger regarding Tina.  That I can do nothing about, at least not anything I can think of since I was never allowed a chance to do anything to change her mind, or bring her back here with me where she belongs.

And so, so I shall write.

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In a couple of weeks this movie, Eat, Pray, Love will be opening in the theaters.  Starring(as the pic makes clear) Julia Roberts, it is based on the book of the same title.  A true story memoir.  Everytime I see the commercials a wave of annoyance flies through me.

The reason is because the book, as told by one book reviewer, is about a woman that left a perfectly good husband to travel the world and find herself.  Why did she leave?  Apparently, the expectation of giving up parts of herself for the vows she gave her husband, and for kids was too much for her too take.

Even reviewers and readers that love the book, are quick to admit the degree of self-absorbtion present in her story.  And the movie seems to me to another “Miss Independent” ode to being a thoughtless bitch, and ditching a husband or man for no apparent reason.  Yes, when you get married its not ALL ABOUT YOU anymore.  Sorry that’s such a painful news flash to so many women and men out there.  last time I checked, you were not the only person on the planet.  Did you miss the obvious memo?

I love Julia Roberts, but I hope against hope the movie bombs.  Maybe I ought to write my own memoir, and let everyone know the consequences of selfish choices.  Nah, if people like the author of Eat, Pray, Love were concerned about others, then divorce and break-ups would be less prevelant.

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I have tried to stay away from writing in this blog and break-up message boards, because I felt no progress.  My thoughts and feelings were and are stuck in a morass.  In a world where so many people break up from relationships that never ever worked, it is hard to explain that for most of our relationship we were different, or at least i thought so at the time.  Maybe it is that I loved her in the way that people are supposed to love someone, maybe its my pride being stung over what I imagine is a happy, hunky dory life without me, maybe obsession, who knows.  I certainly don’t anymore.  I just know that quite without wanting too, I awake many mornings with her the first thought in my head.  I know when I see something I know she would find cute or funny, my first reaction and thought is that Tina would think that its cute or funny.  it’s like a doctor tapping your reflex bone, and your leg kicks out whether you want it to or not.  That’s what happens to me.  Other times I just miss the kids.  No miss them immensely, and have come close to just saying, “fuck it” I’m gonna go see them.  And then I say no, you’ll be that guy.  The guy the family loves and invites over, but she is still screwing and holding someone else hands.  She calls that person sweetie.  She doesn’t think about you, and the things that are sentimental to you, mean nothing to her.  I remember that, and I feel like I have been gut punched by Mike Tyson, wearing a metal glove.  And then I feel empty, and hollow.

I’ve even tried, well I would not call it dating.  A colleague has used me as a boy toy, sort of.  I don’t mean that in a derisive way, there’s really no other way to describe it.  And it is the most empty thing I have ever felt.  It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way.  All I think about is that this is what Tina did, is doing, and that I just don’t feel anything.  Does that make me sad, or pathetic.  I’m not sure.  But I did run across something someone wrote, and it made me want to post, because it captures what I feel my future in this regard is so well.

“After a period of intense pain, you will be different.  The person you were is gone.  It is an amputation.  Eventually, a new person will emerge.  It will be the new normal.
A new life will start to happen but the limb you have lost will not grow back.  You will have something in common with a soldier who bravely runs a marathon despite having a prosthesis for a leg.”
I read the line, it will be the new normal. And instantly, tears flowed from my eyes.  I’d been able to hold them back for months, and there was no warning or stopping them.  Not the tears of wracking grief, that would have been better in a way.  No, this was just a river highway down my face. Like a flash flood.  Why?  Because this new normal is so not normal to me.  Realizing that yes, my life will be without her, that there is nothing I can/could do, and that after all that’s happened there’s so much I could not accept in any case, that’s the normal and I don’t want it to be.  There is nothing normal about there not being a me and her.  And it will not ever feel like it is.  I reflect on the depth of love I felt, and my commitment to her, and I say to myself, I really, really hope she does not realize what she gave up.  I hope that she is in fact clueless about how much I loved her, because if she knew, and still walked away.  That…that would have to be the dumbest move since Eve listened to a snake in the Garden.
…I don’t know where I’m gonna end up.  I know parts of me have been dying inside for quite a while, and continue to do so.  But the future is neither bright nor grim to me.  To me it’s just a long road, and one I think I will be walking alone.


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