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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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As I mentioned in my last post, I went to a party this weekend at a multi-millionaires house.  This was more than a night out though.  See the person hosting the party is a friend/business associate of a woman who I host an internet talk show with.  We have been doing this show for 8 months or so, and we have been hanging out a lot as a result.  She is more than a colleague, she is a friend.  So I found this situation strange.

See, she mentioned the party 3 weeks ago, and then told me it had been canceled.  Ok, so I forgot about it.   Fast forward, and I call her Sat night. Ask her what’s she’s doing, and she says “I’m taking a shower and getting ready to take my YMCA kids to movies.” Ok, well then I’ll catch up with you later, right?  An hour later, another friend calls me and asks if I want to hang at this party that the owner of a Mercedes-Benz dealership is having.  Of course, I ask if she’s sure it’s the Mercedes owner, because I know my co-host/friend would have mentioned it to me.  Long story, it is the same guy and party my friend mentioned to me 3 weeks before, and as it turned out she was at the party–not at the movies with YMCA kids.  She was quite surprised that i was at the party.  I was quite…annoyed with her.

SO I called her on it.  And basically said, if you did not want to hang with me, then just say so. Don’t lie to me, I had enough of that with Tina.  She got offended, because I accused her of lying when the truth is (she says) they ended up not needing her to volunteer for the YMCA kids, and she just happened to have one of her friends then call her to take her to the party that she forgot to tell me was in fact not canceled. ???????

Now all of this can seem like petty high school stuff I know. BUT, I have little patience for lying to me these days.  If she did not want me there, just say so. Or whatever.  BUT what I discovered was that I was repeating a pattern.

The truth is I should not have given a rats ass if she lied to me or not, or wanted me there or not.  I care too damn much. I should not. And when I thought about it, something similar-though without the lie, or coincidental memory lapse, with someone else that stopped talking or texting me for like two weeks.  I’m allowing myself to get attached , not in a I want you way-OH GOD NO, but the way friends can get I guess.  But that needs to stop being my life.  I’m the only one I can depend on, and I need to realize that in a real way.

So my solution is simple.  I will not hang.  Not because I feel the need to end the friendship or even because of lack of “trust” in her now.  But because if I hang, I will get attached to people, and I need to not do that.

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I awake knowing that its going to be a lonely day.  A part of me wants to just say “screw up” and do what a guy at work told me to do; crash Tina’s house.  Just go, say hello to everyone I miss, and make her think and talk about me, but not really pay attention to her.  His reasoning to me, “If the parents liked you, then they still do would welcome you in, feed you, and if they didn’t what have you lost?  You come back to work on friday, just as depressed as you were the day before.”  Ultimately, I’ve decided not to do this.  Though the main reason was the reaction I had to the suggestion.  I felt hope, and a stirring of optimism. My mind started imagining scenarios of how the kids would react to seeing me.  And then I stopped and asked, “What the hell am I doing? What delusional exercise am I engaging in?”

I was in the hospital and she didn’t call me, why would showing up unannounced, looking and feeling the same as when she last saw me a year ago mean anything?  I guess there is something to be said for, if I’m gonna be annoyed, then she can be annoyed to by me showing up, and making the convo between her new guy all about me.  But there is more bad, than good that could come from that.  As someone here said, I’m in the rearview mirror, and she left at a high-speed.  I may not have done anything to deserve it, but she did it nonetheless and does not wish to think about me.  I spoke to my best friend and he thinks I’m clinically depressed.

He also said something, as he often does, that I found truth in.  At the end of the day, whatever her reasons bad or good, the one thing that is without a doubt true, is it all went down the way it did because she felt like she did not have much to lose.  Not in terms of me, but in terms of what she had invested in the relationship.  I was willing to move when we got married, I was attached to her family, I was willing to work on the relationship, and I would have been willing to wait if she had told me she was just afraid it was too soon.  She had never made a sacrifice for the relationship.  Granted she had not been put into a great deal of situations where she had too, but nonetheless, she had not.  She knew my mom and my brother, but mom died and so that connection was broken, she probably saw my brother as an obligation not an adopted brother( a shame considering how he felt about her), I never made it seem she may have to give up a job for us, simply she had no skin in the game.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  The one “sacrifice” I tried to insist on was she keep her ex in ATL in its proper place, and as readers to this blog know, she did not do that.  I’ve never looked at it that way, but it has truth.  My friend said, “If she had to give up something for the relationship, if she had lived with you, or had close relationships with your family or even Renee (my other best friend) who you love as a sister, then it would not have been as easy to leave, because there is a bigger investment there.”

The truth hurts as always, because it means that what I thought was love seemed to never really have been there.  And because even if true, it does not erase the feeling of loss I feel on a day like today, when I’m supposed to be feel grateful, and I don’t.  I feel bitter, angry, and worse of all, alone.

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I awake knowing that its going to be a lonely day.  A part of me wants to just say “screw up” and do what a guy at work told me to do; crash Tina’s house.  Just go, say hello to everyone I miss, and make her think and talk about me, but not really pay attention to her.  His reasoning to me, “If the parents liked you, then they still do would welcome you in, feed you, and if they didn’t what have you lost?  You come back to work on friday, just as depressed as you were the day before.”  Ultimately, I’ve decided not to do this.  Though the main reason was the reaction I had to the suggestion.  I felt hope, and a stirring of optimism. My mind started imagining scenarios of how the kids would react to seeing me.  And then I stopped and asked, “What the hell am I doing? What delusional exercise am I engaging in?”

I was in the hospital and she didn’t call me, why would showing up unannounced, looking and feeling the same as when she last saw me a year ago mean anything?  I guess there is something to be said for, if I’m gonna be annoyed, then she can be annoyed to by me showing up, and making the convo between her new guy all about me.  But there is more bad, than good that could come from that.  As someone here said, I’m in the rearview mirror, and she left at a high-speed.  I may not have done anything to deserve it, but she did it nonetheless and does not wish to think about me.  I spoke to my best friend and he thinks I’m clinically depressed.

He also said something, as he often does, that I found truth in.  At the end of the day, whatever her reasons bad or good, the one thing that is without a doubt true, is it all went down the way it did because she felt like she did not have much to lose.  Not in terms of me, but in terms of what she had invested in the relationship.  I was willing to move when we got married, I was attached to her family, I was willing to work on the relationship, and I would have been willing to wait if she had told me she was just afraid it was too soon.  She had never made a sacrifice for the relationship.  Granted she had not been put into a great deal of situations where she had too, but nonetheless, she had not.  She knew my mom and my brother, but mom died and so that connection was broken, she probably saw my brother as an obligation not an adopted brother, I never made it seem she may have to give up a job for us, simply she had no skin in the game.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  The one “sacrifice” I tried to insist on was she keep her ex in ATL in its proper place, and as readers to this blog know, she did not do that.  I’ve never looked at it that way, but it has truth.  My friend said, “If she had to give up something for the relationship, if she had lived with you, or had close relationships with your family or even Renee (my other best friend) who you love as a sister, then it would not have been as easy to leave, because there is a bigger investment there.”

The truth hurts as always, because it means that what I thought was love seemed to never really have been there.  And because even if true, it does not erase the feeling of loss I feel on a day like today, when I’m supposed to be feel grateful, and I don’t.  I feel bitter, angry, and worse of all, alone.

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It is odd how people react to loss.  I, myself, examine everything, search for clues, and understanding.  Usually it works but of course, it is not really helping right now.  Still, it does make me go down avenues that are new or that I have tread before and gain new insights.  Sometimes it leads to dead ends.  Last night was one such time.  I was searching for Mood Busters on WEDMD.com.  I’m willing to try anything to assist in feeling better physically, if not emotionally.  While there I caught site of a clink on the physical traits of depression.  It caught my eye, and even though I already knew I was depressed, I looked anyway, because I’ve always wondered why you actually “feel” the pain.  On my worse nights (not so much now thank god) I felt like vomiting, and my stomach felt as if I had been punched by Mike Tyson.  In those times, I imagined that this was what withdrawal felt like.

The signs were simple:    

                                Headaches.

                                Back pain.

                                Muscle aches and joint pain.

                                Chest pain.

                                Digestive problems.

                                Exhaustion and fatigue.

                                Sleeping problems.

                                Change in appetite or weight.

                                Dizziness or lightheadedness.

The oddest thing occurred to me as I went over the list.  I was struck by the number of items on this list Tina was going through for at least five months before we broke up.  We used to talk about it.  Now the easy, though upsetting thing, to assume at this point was it was do to wanting to break up, or depression and guilt spurred on by possible actions in ATL.  Though at the time, we used to talk incesscently about how her career was not what she wanted.  How she was not where she thought she ought to be.  I tried to be a support, and relate she was putting too much pressure on herself, and was moving forward just fine.  This  is something she has had an issue earlier in the relationship, so my emotional side says,  “see she was botehred by sometghing else, andthought it was us.”  My brain tells, no you are looking for blame or reasons that don’t point thingsthat you don’t like or understand, and it does not matter.  In the end, its over.

What is my point in writing this?  Other than this is what is on my mind today, it is what happens next that relates to the 1st line of this post.  I got a phone call from my passing friend’s wife as I was thinking about all this.  It was the 1st time I really had a chance to talk with her.  After a minute or two subdued pleasantries, she asked how I was doing; my friend had told her I was having a rough time.  My response of course was, “Annie (name changed) don’t worry about me right now.  I’m not so caught up that I don’t recognize that its nothing compared to the death of a person that actually wanted to be with you.”  But for her, she had just spent almost two days talking to friends and family about the “death” she did not want to talk about it anymore.  Not right now, and so needed to talk about something else.

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