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Posts Tagged ‘gold-digger’

So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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This past weekend I, on a whim, went to a party that was held at the private residence of a multi-millionaire in town.  The night had a couple of revelations.  The first was that as I walked around this house located in the same community as Tiger Woods house, it struck me that if I had this house.  If I had a house like it, and the money that went with it, Tina would still be with me.  I commented on that fact to the friend I had come with, and thier response was predictable and accurate:

“Well, then she would have been with you for the money only.”

I know she was right, but the following thought came into my mind.  “I don’t care.”  In that moment I knew it would not have mattered to me.  And, when I thought about it more, it was not because of desperation, or at least not just desperation.  The feeling I had was, that house, that success, is what I’m supposed to have anyway.  So what if it was a factor in keeping her around.  It felt like knowing a woman stayed around because I brushed my teeth.  I’m supposed to do that.  I mean I hate gold diggers.  I think they are the worse women on the planet, and I have little sympathy for whatever happens to them as a result of chasing the money.  I mean I REALLY have no sympathy for thier trials: cheating, abuse, etc., I dont care.  You want the guy to pay, I say you play whatever game he wants to play.  BUT in this situation, I just felt, at least in the moment, hey this is what I should have anyway, and if I had been with her and had it I would not have thought twice about why she was there.  Could that have blown up later, yeah I geuss, but I geuss I feel like that was what I should have provided anyway. 

I don’t have it, not yet.  Maybe not ever now.  For various reasons.

What this says about me, I don’t know.  Maybe if I’m willing to think that way about Tina, I ought to be less judgemental of other golddiggers.  I don’t know.

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Today, went and got my dreads tightened up.  Been awhile because I’m not exactly super concerned with my appearance these days. But no matter how I feel I cannot let them get too ratty.  it’s always a mixed thing for me though.  The guy that does them for me, does Tina’s as well.  I can seldom resist talking about her, or asking for information.  He does not give me details, after all he’s not a spy.  But he is confused at times with the choices she has made.  He is sure that she is just looking for a sugar daddy, and he did not get that vibe from her when he first met her.  But these days, he is quite clear that there is no other reason.  The guy she’s dating is not Brad Pitt.  More like Jerry Lewis–after he gained weight, and there is little doubt that he is not doing anything for her that I didn’t do.  Probably less.

The circumstances puzzle him.  It always makes me think how must her parents feel or think.  Be that as it may, she always acts jolly, and refuses any cautionary comments from our mutual friend regarding the guy and his intentions.  As far as, she is concerned it’s all good, he’s just as good or better than me, and well that’s, that.

Even with evidence before my eyes it find it hard to really comprehend that she’s gone the gold digger route, or even crossed the color line.  But that is what she did.  I wonder if she even sees it that way, but then I think, of course not.  Even villains think they are perfectly fine.  The Joker never sees the wrong or harm in terrorizing Gotham City.  It’s all just one big, funny joke to him.

And honestly, would I act any different from this guy.  What I mean is, when I met Tina I went from a decent job, to an excellent one, making 6 figures.  Sure I was not rich, and I’ve never been one to just buy girls clothes, or shoes, or any of that crap.  But we went out to eat, and on vacations, etc, etc and when she was not working I didn’t ask her to help out.  If we had gotten married, and she wanted to not work a full-time job and act, or model, or whatever.  I don’t really think I would have been pissed.  I mean I wanted a partnership, but if I had to bring in most of the money, while she went after a dream, or started her own business, I would have done that.  I wouldn’t have done it to keep her, I would have done it because, well, I loved her, and I feel it’s a part of being married.  Each comes together to make each other better.  Living below our means for a while in order to get rid of our debt (i.e. her debt) I would have done, because when we get married it’s all ours.  The bills, and the bread.  That’s the way it is supposed to be, so that is what I would have done.  no muss or fuss from me.  I guess what I’m saying is that whatever this new guy does, short of sending her on shopping sprees, he’s probably doing what I would have done–though for probably different reasons. And for the first time.  For the first time ever, I felt maybe I got lucky.

Normally, I think people just say that to themselves in order to rationalize away their hurt.  But, one thing I know for sure is that no one gets through life without money problems, few people get through life without a major career hit or issue.  It happens to everyone.  How many times has Trump filed for bankruptcy?  So if we had gotten married, and I got hurt, I lost my good job, or my business got sued, or something happened to me, and she was left with my brother and the 2 million life policy would any of those things turn out for the better.  Or would she just disappear?  This hurts, because three years ago I would not have had these questions.  I did not believe her to be that type of person.  But look at her now? I wonder.  And I wonder  something else.  I wonder why despite this, I still feel I love her.  I still feel like I would risk my life to protect her, even as I curse myself and call myself an idiot, I would do it.

Is that true love, or am I just fucking stupid as hell?

It’s obvious that the level of love and committment I had for her, is one she did not deserve, like I thought.  But, well there it is.  I still feel that way. I don’t know.  But sometimes when I can put aside the anger I feel toward her, and toward God (that’s a whole other post) I get this feeling that both me and the Big Guy upstairs, exhale, and say, “you poor, silly girl, you don’t know what you ruined, or lost.”

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Today I cried.  Not exactly a noteworthy revelation right, I’ve done that all year.  But this was different, it was a cry on the inside that had nothing to do with Tina leaving per se.

See this weekend I got some interesting information.  I was getting my dreadlocks re-twisted; some may remember that I mentioned I had new information in my post, Waste. At the time it was information advice from the stylist, because he happens to do Tina’s dreads as well.  He did not divulge any really privileged information, but what he did say to me is what sent me away from the blog for a time.  Now its a little over two months later, and the picture has become complete.  The answers show I was wrong on some things, surprised by other, and completely confused and disbelief with all of it.

The last time I saw him the stylist said to me, “Tina.  She’s got big dreams man.  Move on with your life.”  I never asked what he meant by that statement and I decided to this time; after all I knew most, if not all, of Tina’s dreams and goals, so I didn’t see how that had anything to do with us.  The answer is straight forward, Tina wants somebody to finance her dreams.  She wants to be able to sit around and not have to do anything as she pursues modeling or acting gigs, and still live comfortably.  She does not feel that I could do that.  She does not feel that I could make enogh income to cover the bills, and still take her on fabulous trips, buy what she wants, or help with her business or career goals, and certainly not finance a movie for her to be in.

The Caucasian male I thought she was seeing, she is not, at least not any more.  She is now with a Caucasian male, who is rich, has rich parents, and either wants to or does produce movies.  He is going to help her enter into the film business at a level higher than the acting stuff she did before.  He’s young, and apparently dates only black women.  As an aside, he is nowhere near a Brad Pitt, apparently, he’s more on the doughty side.  At least acording to my stylist, let’s call him Ralph.  Ralph says that this guy is willing to finance her “dreams” and will get her where she wants to be.  She also believes that he is marriage material, and apparently he has either asked or said he would marry her.  She’s known him for sure less than a year.  Ralph, who has been around the block, tried to tell her that situations like this are usually the guy looking for a trophy to either sex and then throw away, or as trophy wives…usually end up cheated on, or replaced.  Her reaction was that he’s not like that, and that the situation is a good one.  Basically, she has rose-colored glasses on, Ralph’s words not mine. Though I would be forced to agree.  In a nutshell, Tina is going the route of one of those women on “The Real House Wives of” pick your city.  She’s actually pursuing being a kept woman.  From what Ralph describes from the the things that Tina has said, from her own mouth, she seems like she would be like either Kim or Sheree from the Atlanta seaon of the show; total gold-digger.

What I was hearing was sending me into a mental tailspin.  Certainly I knew Tina was used to being taken care of to a degree because she’s a daddies girl.  I also know that, like many, if not all women, she certainly wanted to feel secure as she gets married.  But in the 7yrs I was with her there nothing in her attitude, her dating history, or personality that sounds remotely like Ralph was describing.  The person he was telling me about was not the person I proposed to, nor the girl her parents raised.  It was/is bizarre.  Ralph was basically describing a personality, and belief system like the women that pursue professional atheles or Hollywood producers, but are not really attracted to them.  Again, a basic high-end gold digger.  Even worse, she going into it with the cliche wide-eyed belief we see in characters in movies, just before the guy screws them royally.

She believes she could marry him, that he would actually marry her, or that his parents would…condone a marriage to a black woman.  Now I don’t know the family obviously, nor do I want to generalize too far, but I have found that families that have money and come from money, will allow their children to date whom they want, but when it comes to marriage, and being entitled to the money of the family…things change real fast if the person is outside the family’s race.  I’m sure this could be just fine, she could get married to this guy, he could help or put her into his movies, she’s successful, and they live happily ever after.  BUUUT, I kinda doubt it.  More likely this is going to go sideways real fast.  She is on a path, I must say that puts her in a situation where she’s hurt, and it becomes obvious she made a mistake, like 90%.  The most likely scenarios do not end with her in movies a lot, but more like hurt, used, or something worse.

So why do I cry?  BEcause the part of me that knows I must move on, but still hoped for a restart sometime in the future that part of me, now feels a mixture of contempt, pity, and a loss of respect for her as a person.  That the love and the feelings I had have now been tainted by those emotions, saddens me. If she came back, especially after getting stomped on, this situation would not allow me to look at her the same, or be with her.  Not because I’m over her, or have someone new, but because this contempt, and lack of respect will not go away.  I have no respect for a woman that goes after a guy just for his money, or what she thinks he will/can give her in her career.  Sure once in awhile you have your Madonna’s, but more often you have a rich kid screwing a fine looking woman, until he is ready to move on.  Trophies all get older, and then traded in for a new models.  I know her parents have to be concerned, and if they knew what her motivations were they would be quite disappointed.  And I’m still bugging off of her acting like and thinking in this way.  Wanting a man to have a good paying job is one thing, wanting him to be rich or wealthy so he helps you is something else and not something I would EVER thought she would do.  More and more, I believe that in ATL an alien took the place of my Beloved, cause none of this is jiving to me.  If not, then where this is all coming from is a mystery to me.

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One of the things that me and Tina would love to do on random days and weekends is to sit down and just talk about different ideas for televisions, internet sites, and products.  We’re both pretty damn creative, and we would come up with (what we thought) were great ideas.  On the business end I would usually come up with the most surprising ideas, because I could see connections and image the “thru-product” if you will all the way to the end.  The number of things I came up with in the years that she has been able to use for herself, or to find out information that would make her own goals more achievable cannot be counted.

 

So it is with great sadness and regret now when I see something that would be a great tool for her that she no longer gets to find out about it.  It is a habit that has been hard to stop, and makes up the fabric of the many threads for the regret over the ending of our relationship.  I’ve done a lot of tooting my own horn here at the Break-up Diaries.  Part of that is because I’m a genuinely good guy.  The other part is, well its my blog, and so I should write something about myself that’s good, when someone has made me feel so bad.  Nonetheless, I have still tried, and will no doubt discover newer things in the future, that I need to address, change, or consider in my own behavior.  That’s growth.

 

But I always come back to the series of traits, and attributes that I have got to believe mean something in a partner that I have demonstrated—that thousands of men…and ok women too have shown across the country—time and again.  And come away saddened even more not just for myself, but that there are people that can have these people in their lives: good, devoted, honest, dynamic people, and they just leave.  I almost wish to weep that they seem incapable of recognizing or remembering what they have in their lives.  Have the silly romantic comedies, sarcastic chit-lit books lamenting over the dearth of good men taught us nothing?  Ladies there are very few quality men in the world, even less in your city, and the number of them right for you miniscule.  Men the same goes for you.  Once you throw out the ladies that are gold-digger’s, terminally attracted to bad boys, and have no  values, the number gets real small real fast.  Think about it, between the ages of 18and 40, how many serious relationships do you think you’re gonna have?  That’s 22 years.  operating on the premise that no serious relationship can be shorter than at least a year, and factoring in time to meet new people and recover from a break-up, you’ve got at best 14 chances.  How many people out of 14 will be marriage material?  Answer—NOT VERY MANY.  Out of that 14, you’ll have maybe 3 or four that might be marriage material.  I guess 3 or 4 is pretty good, except that marriage material does not mean they wish to marry you.  What’s my point?

 

Anyway you cut it, when you have the candidate in front of you, and there are compatibilities, then the chances of you really finding someone better are small.  More likely if you do find someone, it will be like the last one, only taller, shorter, light or dark skin, blue eyes or brown.  Sure there are people we need to get away from.  There are people we date, and never love.  That did not apply to me and Tina, and it is not the type of relationships I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the ones you know fit, or knew fit, and now for some reason you don’t think it does.  There’s an old saying, “A bird in hand is worth two in a bush.”  I would just add to that, it makes it even more true when you don’t know if there’s two in the bush to begin with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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