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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

I don’t remember what the dream was about.  But I know it was a bad one, cause I’m wake with a start and I’m covered in a cold sweat.  Could’ve been about her, could be about bunny rabbits for all I know, but the feeling I have is not good.  I wake with the knowledge that I’ll always be alone.  I feel this with certainty. Alone and without love.  It feels like a hard pit in my stomach.  I lay there and just know.  My mind goes into defensive mode, I think about friends, about my morals, about how I’m a good person, how I can treat others.  But it doesn’t help.  It all feels like empty shouts, after a verdict has already been read.

Love that never leaves I will not have. By myself is all I’m gonna have.  The notion that could happen is not what bothers me, or compels me to get out of bed to record these thoughts.  it’s the certainty. The absoluteness to the feeling.  The sureness that it’s not a bout of self-pity, but just a plain truth. A hard, cold fact.  It scares me, it saddens me. I want to fight it, but I can’t. All I get is an answer through the ether,  “It wont matter what you do.This is how it will be no matter what.”

What do I do with that??

I’m up now and I try to make sense of it all.  I feel it’s not about Tina, though she is just the most recent example–the last example.  No, it feels like something else, but I don’t know what.  Why me? I’ve seen and met men with worse morals, worse prospects, and ones further away from perfection than the distance I am from it.  And yet, they are not alone. They have people fighting to stay, fighting over them, they have someone.  Often, they have the one they want.  Why not me?

I have asked that a thousands times, and still I have no answer.

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Next week is my best friends birthday.  last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it.  In fact I forgot several peoples birthday.  So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday.  I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here.  I just dont know how divorced parents do it.  In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.

yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer.  It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want.    Playing with them made me ache though, and sad.  Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed.  its made me feel all warm inside for a moment.  But only for a moment.

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So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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‘See what happens after the break up”  That was the tagline that began this blog.  The answer for me at least has been a descent into anger, bitterness, and despair. Now I have reached…giving up.

Considering the history or my past relationship and the way it ended, it’s easy for people to just view my words and actions today thru the prism, “Of you’re just mad at one person.  She is not all women.”  That is both true and untrue.  See, unspoken in many ways is that part of my anger at her, moves beyond her and extents to women in general because she basically did what I have always hated about so many women.  Namely, they leave good men.  And bitch later about there not being good men.

See, long before Tina, there were all these female friends I have had over the years and they came to me for advice, and they all had bad relationships, and they all chose bad men, or broke up with good men to date bad men.  I thought I had broken away from that idiocy when I found Tina.  Cleary I was wrong, as she did not truly love or appreciate the blessing she had in her life.  She made her choice, it will bite her in the ass one day.  And whatever form it takes, she deserves it, and more.

For me, I have to build a second life.  I’ve reached that point in life where statistically I’m probably going to end up alone–even if I don’t want too.  But what would not being alone get me?  I’ve always thought that men and women need each other.  And in a perfect world they do, the yin and the yang and all that.  But so many things I have observed in my own relationships, and hundreds of others I have seen from the outside as an advice giver has shown me that women are great to be friends with, sleep with, or work with, but are just too emotional and flighty to trust with your heart. And so, I will no longer do so.

I have spent 30 plus years on this planet, and all I have gotten from the other half is pain, rejection, and lack of appreciation of a guy that actually walks the walk of that “good man” they are all looking for and have gotten nothing back for it.  I should have been gobbled up years ago..before I even met Tina to blunt about it. 

The second half of my life has already started. I lost 7 yrs in a relationship that turned into a waste of my time, with a woman who was a waste of my time. I have lost another 2 over depression.  For my second act I think I will pursue what I see woman pursuing.  They don’t need a man, except to take them places, buy them things, or except to generally provide them with a good time, and then shake hands and leave them alone.  Okay, fine.  Men invented that game long ago and are better at it really, so I will go that route.

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As I mentioned in my last post, I went to a party this weekend at a multi-millionaires house.  This was more than a night out though.  See the person hosting the party is a friend/business associate of a woman who I host an internet talk show with.  We have been doing this show for 8 months or so, and we have been hanging out a lot as a result.  She is more than a colleague, she is a friend.  So I found this situation strange.

See, she mentioned the party 3 weeks ago, and then told me it had been canceled.  Ok, so I forgot about it.   Fast forward, and I call her Sat night. Ask her what’s she’s doing, and she says “I’m taking a shower and getting ready to take my YMCA kids to movies.” Ok, well then I’ll catch up with you later, right?  An hour later, another friend calls me and asks if I want to hang at this party that the owner of a Mercedes-Benz dealership is having.  Of course, I ask if she’s sure it’s the Mercedes owner, because I know my co-host/friend would have mentioned it to me.  Long story, it is the same guy and party my friend mentioned to me 3 weeks before, and as it turned out she was at the party–not at the movies with YMCA kids.  She was quite surprised that i was at the party.  I was quite…annoyed with her.

SO I called her on it.  And basically said, if you did not want to hang with me, then just say so. Don’t lie to me, I had enough of that with Tina.  She got offended, because I accused her of lying when the truth is (she says) they ended up not needing her to volunteer for the YMCA kids, and she just happened to have one of her friends then call her to take her to the party that she forgot to tell me was in fact not canceled. ???????

Now all of this can seem like petty high school stuff I know. BUT, I have little patience for lying to me these days.  If she did not want me there, just say so. Or whatever.  BUT what I discovered was that I was repeating a pattern.

The truth is I should not have given a rats ass if she lied to me or not, or wanted me there or not.  I care too damn much. I should not. And when I thought about it, something similar-though without the lie, or coincidental memory lapse, with someone else that stopped talking or texting me for like two weeks.  I’m allowing myself to get attached , not in a I want you way-OH GOD NO, but the way friends can get I guess.  But that needs to stop being my life.  I’m the only one I can depend on, and I need to realize that in a real way.

So my solution is simple.  I will not hang.  Not because I feel the need to end the friendship or even because of lack of “trust” in her now.  But because if I hang, I will get attached to people, and I need to not do that.

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Today, went and got my dreads tightened up.  Been awhile because I’m not exactly super concerned with my appearance these days. But no matter how I feel I cannot let them get too ratty.  it’s always a mixed thing for me though.  The guy that does them for me, does Tina’s as well.  I can seldom resist talking about her, or asking for information.  He does not give me details, after all he’s not a spy.  But he is confused at times with the choices she has made.  He is sure that she is just looking for a sugar daddy, and he did not get that vibe from her when he first met her.  But these days, he is quite clear that there is no other reason.  The guy she’s dating is not Brad Pitt.  More like Jerry Lewis–after he gained weight, and there is little doubt that he is not doing anything for her that I didn’t do.  Probably less.

The circumstances puzzle him.  It always makes me think how must her parents feel or think.  Be that as it may, she always acts jolly, and refuses any cautionary comments from our mutual friend regarding the guy and his intentions.  As far as, she is concerned it’s all good, he’s just as good or better than me, and well that’s, that.

Even with evidence before my eyes it find it hard to really comprehend that she’s gone the gold digger route, or even crossed the color line.  But that is what she did.  I wonder if she even sees it that way, but then I think, of course not.  Even villains think they are perfectly fine.  The Joker never sees the wrong or harm in terrorizing Gotham City.  It’s all just one big, funny joke to him.

And honestly, would I act any different from this guy.  What I mean is, when I met Tina I went from a decent job, to an excellent one, making 6 figures.  Sure I was not rich, and I’ve never been one to just buy girls clothes, or shoes, or any of that crap.  But we went out to eat, and on vacations, etc, etc and when she was not working I didn’t ask her to help out.  If we had gotten married, and she wanted to not work a full-time job and act, or model, or whatever.  I don’t really think I would have been pissed.  I mean I wanted a partnership, but if I had to bring in most of the money, while she went after a dream, or started her own business, I would have done that.  I wouldn’t have done it to keep her, I would have done it because, well, I loved her, and I feel it’s a part of being married.  Each comes together to make each other better.  Living below our means for a while in order to get rid of our debt (i.e. her debt) I would have done, because when we get married it’s all ours.  The bills, and the bread.  That’s the way it is supposed to be, so that is what I would have done.  no muss or fuss from me.  I guess what I’m saying is that whatever this new guy does, short of sending her on shopping sprees, he’s probably doing what I would have done–though for probably different reasons. And for the first time.  For the first time ever, I felt maybe I got lucky.

Normally, I think people just say that to themselves in order to rationalize away their hurt.  But, one thing I know for sure is that no one gets through life without money problems, few people get through life without a major career hit or issue.  It happens to everyone.  How many times has Trump filed for bankruptcy?  So if we had gotten married, and I got hurt, I lost my good job, or my business got sued, or something happened to me, and she was left with my brother and the 2 million life policy would any of those things turn out for the better.  Or would she just disappear?  This hurts, because three years ago I would not have had these questions.  I did not believe her to be that type of person.  But look at her now? I wonder.  And I wonder  something else.  I wonder why despite this, I still feel I love her.  I still feel like I would risk my life to protect her, even as I curse myself and call myself an idiot, I would do it.

Is that true love, or am I just fucking stupid as hell?

It’s obvious that the level of love and committment I had for her, is one she did not deserve, like I thought.  But, well there it is.  I still feel that way. I don’t know.  But sometimes when I can put aside the anger I feel toward her, and toward God (that’s a whole other post) I get this feeling that both me and the Big Guy upstairs, exhale, and say, “you poor, silly girl, you don’t know what you ruined, or lost.”

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I picked up a copy of the Harvard Business Review this past weekend.  This month’s subject being, “Having a Vision.”  The subject interested me for several reasons.  The first being that I didn’t have one, or at least I felt like I did not.  I have goals, things I want to have, would like to do.  That’s not the same as having a vision though.  The other reason is because shortly before the demise of my relationship with Tina, I was struggling to define what my new direction and path was going to be.  Oftentimes I have wondered out loud if this lack of clarity, or this search was the unspoken reason for her leaving.  Like or not, everyone wants a sense of stability and security from her man.  When a man is searching for a new direction, security can be a hard to find item. Though, it helps to look at what a man HAS done thus far to help the woman through that uncertainty she may feel.  it’s the ONE thing, the single item that despite my despair over the loss of Tina, I still will not give her a break on.  I had taken care of myself, I was taking care of my brother.  No matter what direction I was going or how tough the road would become, I would take care of my responsibilities.  She should have seen that, and listened.  The third reason I wanted to read and study the subject is that whatever direction or vision I was cooking up, I had one vision that was rock solid, and that was the vision of the life me and Tina would have.  The type of husband I would be.  The type of father I required myself to be.  The type of son-in-law and family member I would be.  I had it, and it was crystal clear.  And Tina pointed a shot gun at it, and blew it to dust.

In reading the HBR, a short section on personal vision talks about how pursing your vision will not be a A to B to C progression.  “Stuff Will Happen!” Which is why I felt compelled to write tonight.  Because that is exactly what happened to me–though I don’t think I would use the word stuff to describe it.  But I digress.  I had a vision, stuff happened, and now I need a new one, except I cannot get the old one out of my mind.  It’s still squatting in my heart and mind.  I was so sure. Now, I feel like a fool. A fool for believing in it, and a fool for not being able to let it go.  Tina had a vision, and it was never about really about me.  If it was, she would be here.  For me it was not about being married.  It was about being married to her.

Now…now I don’t know what direction to go, but I think I’m gonna have to do something drastic, or I won’t survive.

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