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Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

I don’t remember what the dream was about.  But I know it was a bad one, cause I’m wake with a start and I’m covered in a cold sweat.  Could’ve been about her, could be about bunny rabbits for all I know, but the feeling I have is not good.  I wake with the knowledge that I’ll always be alone.  I feel this with certainty. Alone and without love.  It feels like a hard pit in my stomach.  I lay there and just know.  My mind goes into defensive mode, I think about friends, about my morals, about how I’m a good person, how I can treat others.  But it doesn’t help.  It all feels like empty shouts, after a verdict has already been read.

Love that never leaves I will not have. By myself is all I’m gonna have.  The notion that could happen is not what bothers me, or compels me to get out of bed to record these thoughts.  it’s the certainty. The absoluteness to the feeling.  The sureness that it’s not a bout of self-pity, but just a plain truth. A hard, cold fact.  It scares me, it saddens me. I want to fight it, but I can’t. All I get is an answer through the ether,  “It wont matter what you do.This is how it will be no matter what.”

What do I do with that??

I’m up now and I try to make sense of it all.  I feel it’s not about Tina, though she is just the most recent example–the last example.  No, it feels like something else, but I don’t know what.  Why me? I’ve seen and met men with worse morals, worse prospects, and ones further away from perfection than the distance I am from it.  And yet, they are not alone. They have people fighting to stay, fighting over them, they have someone.  Often, they have the one they want.  Why not me?

I have asked that a thousands times, and still I have no answer.

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Next week is my best friends birthday.  last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it.  In fact I forgot several peoples birthday.  So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday.  I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here.  I just dont know how divorced parents do it.  In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.

yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer.  It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want.    Playing with them made me ache though, and sad.  Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed.  its made me feel all warm inside for a moment.  But only for a moment.

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So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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Often I find myself looking up search terms on Google about how to change yourself, or re-inventing your life, becoming a brand new person, or other such notions.  I feel like I need to change, not just one thing, but a shit load of stuff.  Sometimes as a reaction to Tina, other times in response to what I feel lead me inexortably to this turn–the nice guy curse.  And I feel I dont want to be that guy any longer.  There has been no pay-off.  And other times its to create such a incredible life, so bright, it blinds Tina in her mistake.

I never find anything quite good on the subject.  But I found something that in a flash of personal insight, left me shaking my head.  This one site said in order to change, you have to first list everything you like and don’t like, all you want to change, and all that you dont want to change, and think about the things you really cannot.  And it struck me.  My biggest problem is I can’t let go how I felt about her, or us, or the members of her family.  I truly loved her, and wanted the life she told me she wanted.  And even though she does not think about me, and that it was obviously not strong to her (based on how she walked away), even though after all this time, and the pain she’s given me, we could never be together again, even though she has moved on with guys that make it impossible I feel to even be phyiscal with her if she did come back, EVEN with all that, I will never be able to change how I felt about us.  I cannot make myself turn from those feelings, and thoughts. Life goes on, but I always feel like a part of me is missing.  Everyday.

My best friend, Renee, she knows it.  She has told me there’s something off and its not just depression, or sadness, or anger, I’m different.  So I geuss the question is not how do I re-invent my life, or myself, but how do I deal with feelings that will not change.  That even though we are not going to be together, and it angers me, and pisses me off, and hurts me, NONE of that changes how I felt about her for those seven years.  And I wonder…did she know.  I mean did she really know.

I dont think she did.  I dont think she allowed herself too.  As for me…how do you change, how do you move forward, when the thing that is causing the pain, simply will not go away.  How do you move on with a smile on your face when you cannot denounce the past?

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So, I’ve spent the week fighting off annoying dreams, finally getting desperate and getting sleeping pills from a friend.  Aaannd, for the 1st time ever they dont work.  I wake remembering another dream, and with the same sickening feeling in my gut I had for weeks after the break-up.  I try to shake off and go to work.  In the middle of my shift, I’m not thinking about her, but my stomach never settles until, I can feel the tears threating to come out. I get pissed, and it only makes it worse.

I quickly leave the floor and rush to my car. And it dawns on me, or rather I just deflate and accept I will never really be over the pain.  It will not go away.  It’s just there like a thorn in the middle of my back I cannot reach.  Why?  She is just freakin fine, why cant I be?  Is it because I could not/can’t get my brain to think there was something wrong with the relationship from the start?  Is it that I cannot rationalize and trick myself into thinking she could not be the one, or that I was just used to her and we’re both better off?  Why??????????????

So I’m done.  If my heart and head are gonna feel this way no matter what, I say fuck em I tired of trying to hope for better times and days.  I cannot fight it any more I dont have the energy I dont have the will. My heart and head made a decision regarding Tina long ago, and its steadfast in the belief. So I’m gonna have to put up with the aftermath of that belief being rejected by life, tina, God, or whatever spirits I pissed off some fucking how. I am resigned to how its gonna be–how it is. LOL I dont get what I wanted, or deserved, and I dont even get to be like others and pitch off a cliff like many do, because I have a brother to take care of. Nope.  Anyway I cut it, I’m stuck with this shit, with no escape.

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I’m drunk.  I know that.  But the beauty of drunkenness is you can feel, can say what you would otherwise feel unable to sat.  here is the truth.  If I didn’t have my brother to take care of, I would have left this world already.  There is nothing here for me. No life that I want.  Nothing!

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Here are the bullet points from the last three days.  It’s isn’t pretty.

I was just released  from the hospital today.  yesterday I took a supplement that had adverse reaction to a prescription drug I’m on.  You always hear the warnings, but how often do you take them seriously, right?   Well, listen.  After taking them, I was rushed to the emergency room, where I laid for 15 mins before a doc came to me and asked what was wrong.  But that time my right side was numb.  My sides felt like it was going to burst open.  The docs thought my vitals were fine despite what I was telling them. Eventually they started paying  attention, when a pain shot from my ankle  to my heart shot through me, like bullets thru a window pane.  I balled up tight, screamed, and then nearly fell off the gurney.  I could feel, more than hear, rapid activity behind me as I guess the docs started to pay attention.  I didn’t know what was happening, but I felt myself getting weaker, and my voice was slower, and darkness was slowly closing in on me.  It looked like I was looking through a camera and the sides were closing in on each other.  I thought, wow, this is how it ends.  My last thoughts were on my brother and how I needed to take care of him, and was failing, and yes, of Tina.  I might have even called her name, I’m not sure; this becomes pertain it in a bit. Then I was out.

Either I passed out, or in arrest, the nurses never told me.  But I came to in a  incoherent state–which was good. Because the rest of the night was a nightmare.  I spent the next 4 or 5 hours going into convulsions every 15 or 20 mins.  And as the night wore on, they got closer and closer.  And stronger and stronger.  One minute I’m just lying there and then next my head is whipping side to side like in the exorcist, and the next my  hand  is doing a smacking motion to my cheek over and over.  It’s like I have epilepsy, but I have no history in family.  At least one body part or another was moving on its own control.  I had none.  Which for me, drove me to the point of tears.

I stayed like that the rest of the night.  it did not subside until they gave me a muscle relaxation or something else.  Three of my friends where there and one stayed with me all night.  Others were given the situation via phone.  I’ve been to the hospital before for other things, and so my emergency contacts are in their system.  So you can guess who one of them is.  The hospital called Tina.  And she got a call from to other people telling her the situation.

So here’s the thing.  Whether I was going to, or just thought I was, in what felt, oh this is it for me, one of my last thoughts was of the woman I had loved  so long.  And who did not, probably never really did love me.  We are not together.  I am not even a close priority to her.  nonetheless, you would think she could had at least called to see if I ended up dead or alive.  But no, she did not. Not a call, not an email.  This isn’t like I had just broken an arm or a minor traffic accident.  There are plenty of people who pass because of drugs interacting to an adverse way.  And given what my brother witnessed happening to me, there would have been no reason to not assume something very bad was happening, and could get worse.  No calls.

Its been a year.  In my mind that’s only a year, not five.  NOt for something like this.  If you said yes to marry someone one, you ought to be a bit more concerned about whether they live or die, or if they are in the hospital for something serious. Even if you have separated, broken up, or whatever. hell my high school sweet heart would have called me and I have not kissed her in 30 goddanm years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me fucking stupid, but I would think most normal people would at call and find out what is going on.

So I take ownership.  No bullshit.  This is my fault. I should never had fallen in love with, held on to, or felt like I felt for someone so self-involved.  Whatever it was, it aint that way now.  I was literally thinking of someone who’s reaction was more like, this information is  an inconvenience to my life.  I’m human so I’m gonna allow myself to be petty, and wish I can be around to say to her, “stop bitching and crying over XY and Z.  After how you treated someone else, the universe is giving your ass exactly what you deserve.

The next day was  little better, but I was alive that is all that matters.  I’m not perfect.  I’m loud, overbearing, completely immature about rubbing things I end up being right about in to peoples faces, and I could go on and on.  But whatever my faults I have more positive traits than negative.  I think the number of friends I have  and the loyalty I seem to be able to get from them {though not from girlfriend) is a testament to that. Every friend in the area came to hospital or to my house, after I got home. I’ve gotten calls from out-of-state.  BUT, Tina has not called me, or checked on me.  If for nothing else than pure human decency I think she should be able to spare a minute to check in on the person she used to frolic around naked with for gods-sakes.  But that’s me.  As with everything else with her, I was clearly, utterly fucking wrong about her.  And I’m gonna have to look toward myself to figure out, why and how I was fooled.  But I tell you, it stings.  I think some people that commit suicide do so because they think its the only way to get that person’s attention, or make them feel bad.  Other people just wonder how their would act if they did die.  Well, I don’t have to wonder about that. I could be dead, and I think that if I was, her attitude would be, the funeral is an inconvenience to her.

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