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Posts Tagged ‘Valentines Day’

I don’t remember what the dream was about.  But I know it was a bad one, cause I’m wake with a start and I’m covered in a cold sweat.  Could’ve been about her, could be about bunny rabbits for all I know, but the feeling I have is not good.  I wake with the knowledge that I’ll always be alone.  I feel this with certainty. Alone and without love.  It feels like a hard pit in my stomach.  I lay there and just know.  My mind goes into defensive mode, I think about friends, about my morals, about how I’m a good person, how I can treat others.  But it doesn’t help.  It all feels like empty shouts, after a verdict has already been read.

Love that never leaves I will not have. By myself is all I’m gonna have.  The notion that could happen is not what bothers me, or compels me to get out of bed to record these thoughts.  it’s the certainty. The absoluteness to the feeling.  The sureness that it’s not a bout of self-pity, but just a plain truth. A hard, cold fact.  It scares me, it saddens me. I want to fight it, but I can’t. All I get is an answer through the ether,  “It wont matter what you do.This is how it will be no matter what.”

What do I do with that??

I’m up now and I try to make sense of it all.  I feel it’s not about Tina, though she is just the most recent example–the last example.  No, it feels like something else, but I don’t know what.  Why me? I’ve seen and met men with worse morals, worse prospects, and ones further away from perfection than the distance I am from it.  And yet, they are not alone. They have people fighting to stay, fighting over them, they have someone.  Often, they have the one they want.  Why not me?

I have asked that a thousands times, and still I have no answer.

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It’s that time of year again.  Valentines Day.  lol  It’s amazing how things in life can take an opposite turn.  Valentines Day, fake holiday or not, had for many years been my favorite.  I don’t know why.  Perhaps its the little cute cards we gave out in class when I was in elementary school, or how I would buy the carnations for girls in middle and high school, and they always were so happy all day, and gave me little kisses.  I was always one of those guys that “got it” when it came to the holiday that is all for women.

But no more.

Now, the site of hearts, and red and pink colors makes me grimace.  Its not even conscious.  It happens without a thought.  I see it, or one of those inane Jared commercials, and I get a look in my eye.  Friends have commented on it.  They say they can tell now when I have seen something, anything that has anything to do with romance and love.  It’s like when people all of a sudden smell something unpleasant.  I shrug my shoulders, as this is the new normal for me.  I may not hurt as much as I did in the past, but I cannot exactly call the last three years happy.

Yeah three years…three years of being what I had never thought I would be, or wanted to be.  I’m nothing.  No different than a guy she dated for two months in college or high school.  Its a long time, and at times it still seems like yesterday.  It is insulting to me to be honest, that this is what we turned into.  Why couldn’t she have done away with me in the 1st year if this was what it was going to be.  Why keep me around for seven years?

In any case, holiday time from Nov-thru Feb 14th, are not the same, and now my once beloved holiday is a thorn in my side.  I have friends that are in new relationships, and excited about their “1st V-day” together.  I’ve tried to be, well a friend and listen to their plans, and hopes, and getting their dresses and shoes, and blah, blah, blah.  After all, I should not bring them down.  But I had to tell them, tell them all, don’t call me, don’t talk to me, don’t tell me about that day.  I’m turning my phone off, and I really don’t want to hear about it.  Not on that day.  I felt like an ass, but I just can’t.  I just can’t.  It means nothing to me anymore.  Not a damn thing.

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I’ve thought a lot, because the grief from the loss is really on me now.  Before I felt I had to find a way to revive our relationship.  I still believe it could have, but Tina did not want to even try.  But there was always something else that bothered me and I could not figure out what.  I think I know now.  Even from the beginning Tina’s reaction to me has been what you would have expected from someone who you had dated only a few months, and have no emotional ties or history.  Her distance and attitude from last year to this year has consistently been what I, or anyone else, would expect to see if we had stopped dating six months after meeting.

But we were together 7 years, and connected, a part of each other’s families.  Unless the man has cheated or hit a woman, I’ve never seen anyone walk away so easy.  It’s should have not been, but it was–is–and this is puzzling.  I do not think this fits what’s normal for a situation that we had together.  But,

I guess she didn’t think I was that special after all.

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Today I saw a young black couple with the husband and wife wearing dreadlocks.  Sitting between them was an adorable and pretty little girl; also in dreadlocks.  They looked like a beautiful family.  The sight threw me into a tailspin emotionally.  It was so easy to see what was supposed to happen with Tina, what could have happen, what should have happened.  They looked as I have always imagined our family would have been like; and is not.  Even if I was to find another it would be different, it would be something else.  It would be no guarantee that it would be even close or last.

And that is the rub when it comes to the cliche’ advice that there is another.  There are more fish in the sea.  She was just not the one.  You’ll find someone who deserves you.  I hear this, and even though I know in my mind it is not true, I feel nonetheless like no one understands.  I’ve felt this sense of loss before, not as bad certainly, but I’ve felt it.  All the emptiness, the sudden flashes of anger, the annoyance when I see Valentines Day cards, the inability to listen to a single love song, the continual playing of rock music–the angrier and louder the better–the physical symptoms of stress and depression; headaches, pain in the back, pain in my neck, all it is with me again but intensified to a whole another level.  I never want to feel this again.  It’s been a year, and still I feel hurt.  Even with the info on who she is today, it does not erase the loss of the person I was with, or the things I miss about her and us.  Those memories will not fade, will not stop haunting me.  I wish they would just fucking go away.  Just leave me alone goddamn it.  Jesus, why the hell did God bring her to me, if I was just gonna go through this bullshit.

Wishing it away will not help though.  And then it hits me.  I see it clear as day.  It’s a decision based on the knowledge of oneself–maybe a curse of knowing yourself well–and knowing your limitations.  It’s a line and sentiment I have expressed in jokes throughout my life, but has now come true.

A man has to know his limits.

People say, “don’t let her win.”  People tell me, don’t deprive  some woman of what I have to offer.  I’m told that I can love again.  But I realize that things have to be about me now.  Not her, not some unknown woman I may meet, not anything or anyone in the world, it’s about me.  And for me it’s about survival; survival for today and tomorrow.  A man has to know his limits.  And my limits are clear to me.  See I can find someone else I guess, and guess what?  There is no damn guarantee she won’t leave me.  There is no way to make her stay married, or with me.  She can leave at any time for as many stupid ass reasons as Tina did.  And that’s not good enough.  If it happened again, it would destroy me.  I know this the way a fish knows it needs water.  It is crystal clear in my mind and heart.  Is love worth it?

The answer is no.  It truly is better to not have love, than to have it and to lose it.  Especially if it is lost to no fault of your own.  I think back to one of Tina’s text’s telling me I would find love again one day, and I want to just smack something.  I want to just curse her ass out.  I don’t want to find love, I want it to stay the fuck around.  I want what I deserve and that was US.  I can’t have it, and I won’t risk another person doing this to me.  If there was a guarantee, then I maybe I would look or hope or pray.  I did that before, and for 7yrs my prayers were answered, and then it was just dust in the wind.  What would I do if I opened my heart again, if I could love again, Jesus the very thought as I write this just turns my stomach.  If I did, and this happened again,what would I do?  It’s a question I don’t want to answer.  It’s not a good one I imagine.

No this has to be about what’s best for me now and in the future, regardless of what she is doing, or what people think.  And for me that means getting past this, and then learning to live a life that does not include marriage, kids, or any serious relationship.  Some things broken cannot be fixed.  Somethings that are put back together are never the same as before.  This I fear is me.  People can call it wallowing, self-loathing or anything else they damn want too.  All I know is this is what is best.  I cannot take this again, not when I have my brother that depends on me.  He needs me healthy mentally and physically.  Right now I am neither.  Another blow like this, and..and I’m gone.

So there won’t be one.  A man has to know his limits, and I know mine.

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Tomorrow is Valentines Day.  The boon of lovers the country over.  The Bane of lonely, and dumped hearts.  It’s not a true holiday like Christmas, or Presidents Day, or Thanksgiving.  Still it is my favorite holiday.  I have zero problem with the Hallmark Cabal making billions off me each year.  For me the day is one in which I try to out do myself in some way each year. Sample of things I’ve done over the yrs are:

            I sent Tina on a love hunt.  It took her four hours to find all

             the gifts and clues I set up for her.

            A weekend cruise to Bahamas

            Small gifts mailed each day for 7 days

            Last year Breakfast, lunch, and dinner made by me, with

            naughty games played in between each  ALL day.  Never

            left the house.

This year of course we have nothing.   I did cave earlier in the week (see earlier post) to invite her to do something on Valentines Day.  I never got a response.  I know she read the email.  I obviously hoped she would want to do something.  I thought she would respond that she did not think it was a good idea, or had plans, or she was not ready, or that she would like to see me.  Instead nothing…which can tell me everything and nothing at all.  I figure maybe she got all, “he’s not respecting my wishes,” and almost…I almost sent a email today telling that was not my intention.  I did not though.  She knows why I asked.  She knows its my favorite day.  And not just for her.  One year I bought and made bags of sweet candies to give to the women I worked with.  I sent my best friend, and close female friends cards.  I sent flowers to Tina’s mom each yr.  I just get into it. 

 

And so I made the decision more than a week ago that no matter what.  Whether I was ready or not, or whether it was smart or not I was not going to be by myself on Valentines Day.  I would not be at home lamenting and crying.  I would find a date, or go some place and hit on girls, or whatever, but I WAS NOT GOING TO BE HOME!

 

So, I’ve decided that I’m not gonna let this get me too down.  I’m gonna go buy a cute little bear for the one female that will always love me, my god-daughter, and a card for her mother and my best friend, I’ll give sweets to the ladies at my new job, and I’m going out on a friendly little date tomorrow.  I’m gonna make sure I make the day or at least 7 hours of it, happy, and fun, and a memory that I will not forget, because I will be with people that will not be able to bring me any bad memories later on.  And Tina will have to just see what it feels like to have the day without me and my creativity and thoughtfulness on this day for the 1st time in 7yrs.  If she’s got a decent human bone left in her body, then she can’t help but feel that absence—even if she’s on date.  Myself the person I’m hanging our with is fun, and we’ll have a good time.

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My earlier post, in which I wonder what I will do about future holiday’s, got me thinking about the holiday season even more.  I’m thinking about New Year’s Eve.  See I’ve always been a romantic; its why Valentines Day is my favorite holiday.  Yes, I know it’s a made up holiday, and powered by the Hallmark cabal.  But I’ve always loved it, I used to love giving and getting those cute water-colored cards in grade school.  I loved the heart shaped candies that said, “Be my Valentine.”  I say that to just give a sense of the amount sentimentality that is in my personality. It’s a trait that makes break-ups harder than for most people I believe.  People like myself have an extra twist when we hear the song, see the past cards, etc.

 

That’s the intro, here’s the meat.  I have to kill or re-adapt that side of myself.  Here is why, and why I mentioned New Years Eve.  Four years ago, I lost my mother.  She died around 8pm on New Years Eve 2005.  Tina was with me when she passed.  The last words my mom spoke to Tina were two weeks before, when she called her, her daughter in-law.  But I digress, that’s not my point. 

 

The thing is that after that, New Years Eve stopped being a time for me to celebrate.  I couldn’t help but think about my mother.  So when I made the decision to propose, I decided to out think myself.  I decided I would replace the bad memory with a happy one.  And so I proposed to Tina on New Years Eve 2007. 

 

Now she’s gone, and I’m left with another bad memory for that day—two in fact of the same kind.  Being without two women important to me.  So I have discovered that sentimentality has to stop.  I know ahead of time, what next year will be like for me now, and in the future, I will have to reserve any meaningful sentiments to things restricted to myself, dealing only with myself.  That way, the memories cannot be taken away from me.

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