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So I went to a new therapist this week.  I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view.  After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want.  None of it.  At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened.  Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why.  Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.”  He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”

“I know that I told him.”

“But you don’t accept it.  I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out.  Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”

I shrugged.  They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation.  And then of course, he hit for real.

“Are you the man you want to be right now.”  Easy answer, “No.”

“Is that her fault?”  My answer was simple. “No. Of course not.  I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”

“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her.  You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect.  BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had?  If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”

I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends.  I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.

“I don’t know how.  I don’t think I could.  I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”

“What I want you to focus on Joe is this.  IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then.  It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again.  No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now?  Let’s look at it

You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result.  How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?

Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?

My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it?  Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?

I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.

“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?”  ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.

“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”

“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know.  Its not and  it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that.  You let little things slide.  The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect.  You could not get her now. For lots of reasons.  You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”

Easier said, then done of course.  I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.  Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out.  Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow.  And for me it was never about being married, or being a father.  It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.

I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true.  My future is nebulous, and unformed.  My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.

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I know I’m bitter, angry, and resentful.  I know this quite well, and decided to look up bitterness today for ways to overcome it.  For nearly three or four Google pages, most of the sites that came up were religious sites.

I find it funny as hell, considering that I blame God to some degree as much as I do her.  That may should strange to churching going folks, as God “does nothing wrong.”  But as I see it, either she was not meant to be with me, which means why did he put her in my life to freaking begin with.  Or she was the one, and so why was it allowed to just fall apart like that?  Either way, I don’t have much to say to God right about now.

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I wake suddenly this morning and its like I’m back in the beginning. I feel utterly alone, angry, and impotent over what has happened.  And it dawns on me.  Love, whatever the hell that is and means, maybe I have felt it.  But my proves I sure as hell have never had it.  Love doesn’t quit.  it doesn’t leave.  Not without a fight.

She didn’t fight for me.  I cant say anyone ever has.  So much for me being a great guy.  So great, so good, that I just get left.  Now I understand why so many men don’t bother with doing what is nice, or good, or whatever you want to call it.  What’s the fucking point?  If they want you, they will stick around even if you smack them around all day.  And if you’re the second coming, they will nail your ass to the cross just the same.

As much as I thought we had, what I know I did, its amazing to me that the guy before and after me are getting more than I did.  I could die today, and it wouldn’t really make a difference to Tina. How’s that for getting what you deserve.

But that’s not what life is about I guess; getting what you deserve or what is fair.  You get what you get,  and unless you’re lucky, you get screwed.  I’m not lucky.  Never have been.

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There is little doubt that one motivating factor for Tina was the desire to do what she wanted without consequence.  She wanted ultimate freedom, and now she has it.  There is a flip side to that though; now I have it as well.  I can date who I want, as many people as I want.  I can spend money without worrying about the future, or I don’t have to worry about being dragged to a state I dont want to live in.  I can dress how I want and go where I want.  I have freedom to do whatever.

So why don’t I really care about any of that?

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9 months and nothing has changed. I’m still not over it.  I still feel love for her.  She still moves on with apparent ease, deliberation, and without a look backward at all.  I stand baffled at times, to think of the things we said to each other, and to see a complete and sharp break.  I would have thought we would have at least went back and forth a bit like so many couples do until they figure it out, or see they can no longer be together.  Instead, its as if I did something wrong, cheated, hit her, cursed her out [though I have wanted to do that many a night] or some other thing that would make someone act in this manner.  Like, I’m moving on because there are bigger and better people out there than how this boyfriend treated me.  That’s what it feels like.

And me…I’ve, geuss you’d have to call it dated, a person for many months, had a few other dates as well, and nothing steers me away.  Even now I want to text her to tell her I miss her.  But of course the fear that she’ll read it as she is laying next to someone keeps me from doing so.  And besides, she’s not stupid, well she is, but not intellectually at least, I’ve always been very clear.  So she knows I miss her.  She knows she could call me or see me.  She knows.

Which means of course she does not wish to see me.  Again, as if I did something wrong.  At times like this I wish I had, just so I would know what the flipping problem is.  I’m beginning to re-examine the whole relationship.  Because I cannot believe that anyone could really love someone enough to the extent she told me and acted, and then move on in this manner.

Maybe she cared, but never really loved me.

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200x4001104183787way.thumbnailI referenced this book in my last post. The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.  In the section I read tonight, it was titled what a women wants.  In this section the gist is one that I found an odd parallel with what my mom used to tell me about racism and prejudice.  My mother told me one day in a discussion about the old saying among black people, “You have to work twice as hard and be twice as good as a white person,” that many people (blacks) think that is true and always will be true.  They say that with bitterness because racism against a black person will keep a person back unfairly.  Racism is wrong, but why be bitter about being better and working harder.  That’s what you’re supposed to do.  Be better than everyone else and work harder than everyone else.  Then your success is assured no matter what.  Racism may be wrong but that does not absolve you of the duty to be the best.”

I’ve always liked that comment by my mom.  So what’s the parallel?  Just that in the section of this book, Deida talks about a man needing to know and pursue his purpose at all times.  And if he does not know that purpose there are negative consequences in the relationship he has with his woman.  She won’t trust him, feel attracted to him, and may feel she has to be the leader–which the women’s movement notwithstanding, is still not what most women want.  I spent half of last year not sure what I was going to do.  I was trying to find myself, my new direction, my new career focus.  I did not have a purpose, or passion–except for well–the stupidity of what was happening in politics.  If what the author says is true, and my last post notwithstanding, the over-arc seems on point to me, then I did not do what he says men need to do, and well his prediction of what would happen, did in fact happen.

Does that mean there would have been no trouble, if I knew my “purpose.”  I don’t know.  There seems to be plenty of things that are still wrong with Tina that have little to do with me.  Her selfishness would still be there.  The disrespect shown to me, and our relationship in going to dinner with an ex, would still be there.  There are plenty of rich and powerful men living their purpose everyday, and still manage to get cheated on.  And if I hear one more person tell me they think Tina cheated in ATL, I’m gonna shoot something.  All that may be true.

And yet does it absolve me of the need to be doing what I need to do as a man.  Do I not need to know my purpose, my passion, and carry through on them.  No they do not.  More and more I see where I made mistakes that may have had negative effects on the relationship, but still do not explain away the things she has done or why?

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Knowing you have to take a journey, and actaully taking it are two different things. I know I must rid myself of the feelings I have. Don’t really know what that entails. I mean the actual how of doing it. Keeping busy, going out, none of that really works except to temporarily take my mind off it. That’s not want I want. I want what she has, “total and complete indifference as to whether or not I’m around.”

How do you do that?

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