While surfing the web as is my life now, I found this post from someone. The way they describe what I’m going though is a like looking in a mirror. It leaves me with a lot of thinking to do. It challenges many of my thoughts and also makes me feel a little better about the progress I’m making in terms of things I’m doing and not doing. But it also hurts to read; especially the part about feeling my ex is the one.
I’ve always felt that, even before we broke up. We always seemed to fit like a glove in many of the areas I have read and heard compatible couples need to have. That thought has made this especially difficult, because if I was right, then what have we, not just me, loss? And if I was wrong, and the evidence seems to be pretty clear in that direction, how can I trust my instincts ever again? The post is interesting, and I welcome thoughts about it.
What to expect when you get dumped!
I’ve been on this site for almost a month now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, “Will the hurting ever stop,” or “Will my ex come back,” or “Why did he/she do this,” this is how it typically goes down.
You two break up–doesn’t matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.
You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can’t even comprehend that your life might not again include that “special person.” You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.
You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with “the best person in the world.” You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it’s just pitiful).
They (the ex’s) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just “replace” you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.
You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back–yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.
For those of us who do still have contact with our ex’s we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that “Sex does not imply hope.”
You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as “break ups,” “divorce stopper,” whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.
You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who “got their mates back.” You’re on the site constantly. You’ll read the books and think “Ah I can do this. I can get this person back.” You begin your “no contact” and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex’s. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you’ll get and receive.
Time goes by. You’ll do some stupid things. You’ll call your ex when you shouldn’t. You’ll call when you’ve had to much to drink. You’ll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You’ll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you’ll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.
Then you’ll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It’ll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here’s the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex’s, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they’ll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God’s that you haven’t called.
Now’s the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It’s only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You’ll have setbacks. You’ll run into your ex accidently. You’ll run into mutual friends who’ll tell you something about your ex that’ll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You’ll see your ex with their new “friend.” You’ll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who “doesn’t want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).
Here’s another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it’s demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you’ll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It’s the REASON that you’re going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don’t miss out on the lesson.
Then one day you’ll smile because you didn’t immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you’ll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you’ll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.
And one day you’ll decide to date again. And one day you’ll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you’ll either force yourself to continue dating or you’ll decide that you aren’t ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex’s. Many of us won’t. But one day, it won’t matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you’ll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.
And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That’s the truth, amigos. Don’t want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn’t it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one’s depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex’s, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn’t reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it’s comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it’s meant to be.
But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you’ll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you’ll think to yourself “I am getting better.” And finally (thank God) you’ll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn’t good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you’ll know you’re one the road to recovery.
I guess what I’m trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I’ve written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that “trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually,” believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.
Don’t beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn’t (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don’t go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.
And the universe will take care of the rest.”
Closing Cycles
by Paulo Coelho
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, and decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, and shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
That is touching and I would like to thank you for posting that comment.
I sit here writing in tears…
Everything that was written in what to expect when being dumped I’d so perfect and apt for my situation right now…
I’ve been in a world of pain for 7 weeks.. I find it so hard to let go.. I cry everyday.. I torture myself calling him and get the same response ‘I don’t care’
I put up with the daily verbal abuse.. I have a son with him and I try to stay strong for him but I am so broken.. I’m not sure I can do this anymore..
Is there anyone that still checks these post….
Yes I do check them. It is hard to get past the early days. And since you have a son with him, you will have to continue to see him. I was able to not see Tina because we dont have kids. She of course wanted to remain friends, but why would I want to see her with other men, or go thru her getting off the phone with me to speak to another guy? Try to focus on your son. it will help a little, but only a little. But you do what can.
Joe! Joe! How are you doing? Is the sun shining on you yet warming your heart? 🙂