So I went to a new therapist this week. I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view. After a few mins, he stopped me and said, “you can’t have what you want. None of it. At this point and even in the beginning, she was not going to tell the truth about what happened. Either she did something she will not own up too–possible, but not probable(a surprise to me)–or worst she doesn’t know why. Meaning, you’re right she had no objective reason to leave and run away, but emotionally felt she needed too…and women are emotional sooo.” He continued, “AND you cannot have her back, or rather what you thought you two had.”
“I know that I told him.”
“But you don’t accept it. I know you’re not pursuing her, but still you don’t accept that this is how it would turn out. Your mind rejects it. Like an Atheist denying God, as they look upon an angel.”
I shrugged. They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation. And then of course, he hit for real.
“Are you the man you want to be right now.” Easy answer, “No.”
“Is that her fault?” My answer was simple. “No. Of course not. I mean, yeah she is the reason for my depression in the sense of the cause of it, but I can’t say everything I don’t have now is her fault.”
“If she called you right now, are you in the position to get her. You resent her for leaving, dating a white guy which you see as hypocritical–you’re right by the way but it doesn’t matter, and you resent the gold digging aspect. BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had? If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? How would you woo her?”
I had to think a bit. I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends. I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her.
“I don’t know how. I don’t think I could. I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go. I can’t even picture it.”
“What I want you to focus on Joe is this. IF she opened the door, she is not going to pull you in. that only happens in movies and when a former lover gets hurt really bad by a new person, and you don’t want them then. It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again. No you would have to fight for her, show her she is missing out, and could you do that right now? Let’s look at it
You’re bitter and angry. Even if justified, not conducive to your goal.
You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result. How often can you travel to see her? How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates?
Where’s your direction in life? Are you stuck or are you moving forward?
My point is if you met her brand new, right now, how would you go about it? Cause right now, I don’t think you could. There’s stuff in your life you would have to hide, conceal right?
I didn’t know what he meant really? I was not really getting what he was saying, and I know that because his next words, made me think about a different direction.
“If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see?” ….I paused, cause my house is a mess right now.
“I would not let her in, or rather my house is not ready for guests right now.”
“How often is it? Don’t answer I already know. Its not and it seldom is because depressed people don’t really care about the little stuff like that. You let little things slide. The house, the made and quality of your clothes, eating too much or drinking too much, and it all has a cumulative effect. You could not get her now. For lots of reasons. You need to think about how you would get her, and begin doing those things, BUT without the goal of getting her back.”
Easier said, then done of course. I don’t feel like doing a lot of things. Or I get a rush of inspiration and the follow through fizzles out. Truth be told, I knew what I wanted, I had it, and lost it somehow. And for me it was never about being married, or being a father. It was being with her, having kids with her, and I think that makes all the difference in the world for me.
I feel like I’m starting from scratch, and in many ways that is true. My future is nebulous, and unformed. My present is cluttered, and mostly ignored. Existing rather than living. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.