I have not posted in a while. There is not much to report. I don’t date, I work, or don’t work. I take each day as it comes, and try to get through it. I have gotten away from the intense pain. I have resigned myself to the fact that we will not be together, though the thought still pisses me off to the point of hitting my keyboard. I have gone through 4 in the last two years. I am bitter, and still angry even if I do not show it. And when, like tonight, I drink to much it creeps up in me. The hurt, the anger, the feeling of what the fuck was she thinking. Its weird, cause if I have few drinks I am fine. But there is a threshold, and when I hit it, all I want to do is hit shit and scream.
I have friends. Most of them are females, and they are trying their best to get me laid. Which is funny when you think about it, cause if it was that serious, wouldn’t they just screw me themselves? I mean really? Come on. It seems they cannot fathom a 100% male that could care less about sex, making love, or fucking. its not that I would turn it down. Would you turn down a free meal? But I do not pursue, and the word date sends chills up my spine. I was talking to a friend the other day, and she asked if I was gonna take this girl we know on a date, and 5 seconds after she said the words, she said, “I could just feel you cringe the moment I said that.” And she was right I did cringe. It sent a chill up my spine and not in a good way. what that means I have no clue. But I hope I have a problem and its just some stupidity in my mind, cause the alternative…that something that was supposed to happen didn’t drives me nuts.
… I get where you are coming from… always have… Nebraska and I don’t even email, much less speak… and I wrote about a date the other day that was a dud…
…BUT, there is always hope… and if you are not in the game playing, you can’t have any of that… so get up and get into it… (and I’d f*ck one of your friends just to do it, if I were you..!)
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “why make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs?” Well, that’s the question I’ve pondered with your for years. I mean, Tina have obviously gone on with her life be it good or bad, but certainly isn’t sitting around pining over you or wondering if she made the wrong decision. You’re continuing to make her a priority instead of yourself. You’re in an arrested developmental state and I’m in now way a professional, but I’ve give a 100k in confidence that one would confirm what I’m saying.
As I’m sure I’ve said in the past, if you were ALL THAT as you’ve purported yourself to be, then it’s in fact HER loss and not yours and you should go on with your life fully independent of her having any say (metaphorically) in your emotional well-being. I’m in no way trying to demean your feelings as you’re entitled to them. What I will say is that you have given up your life for one girl. From how you’ve described her, it’s HER loss and she in fact did you a favour by ending the engagement. I just can’t fathom how you are still in this state so many years later.
Something in me really wants to just shake the shit out of you and give you that life push you need to get over her and get on with your life. Imagine how much of your life you’ve over invested where you’ve gotten no yield. The dash betwee your sunrise and sunset is going to be thread bare if you don’t let it go and just move on.
FYI…I was involved emotionally with someone for 14.5 years in spite of our respective relationships with other people during the course of those years only to never finally be together no matter how strong the love/bond. Since finally cutting the cord, I’ve been able to find myself in a healthy, reciprocal, loving and balanced relationship of which couldn’t and wouldn’t have happened had I not had the fortitude to say enough was enough and that I deserved more. So, please don’t say I don’t understand. I CHOSE to want to heal, grow, and most importantly; MOVE ON!! I guess you’re just not ready or willing to do that.
Wish you well.
I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll start here: My heart aches for you.
I lost HisSide to alcoholism… in one of the most painful ways. [Summary: He’s still in jail. My neighbor tells me that as I drove away from my home to meet the police at the station, he was handcuffed and blabbering drunk about how in love we are.]
He took a swing at me after much drinking and getting lost in the voices that haunt him when he’s far gone. He put my camera through a wall and took my cell phone so I couldn’t call for help. I had to flee to a neighbor’s home. It was awful to see a beloved transform – once again – into an intoxicated monster.
I had to mourn that loss. In the past, I had a husband walk away from me for another woman, but I can’t describe the pain of losing a beloved to something as sinister as alcoholism.
I cried more than once, after the goodbye was made permanent by a restraining order issued by the court.
But I still rise, and I am more than okay.
Accepting the loss of love – no matter the circumstances – is a personal choice. Your unwillingness to move on after so much time says far more about your mental state than it does about Tina’s value – and I would bet the farm that the cracks in your mental fortitude predated Tina’s appearance in your life. She simply revealed something you needed to learn about yourself. If you can accept this painful time as an opportunity to build your strength, you can get through this. Otherwise, you’re choosing a miserable existence.
Much love to you from the place of tough love…
I’m so sad to hear that herside. I really am. beyond that, i do not know what people expect. I’ve always resisted the idea that you just move on in life the way you move to another job, or another house? maybe I take the words and idea that I asked to marry her because there was NO ONE ELSE I wanted to be with. That is why you get married in my mind, and if she walked away like she did, how does that change how I feel about it? Do I shrug, and be “oh well, I didnt want you anyway.” I cannot play those games with myself.
For me it is not about getting over her. I still get mad at how it ended, but I do not pine away for us to get back together. Now it is a matter of I do not want to date at all. See, before Tina, I had issues with the way women dated ,and just would not get it through their head about dating good men. Then I met Tina, and it was like, wow finally someone gets it. finally someone gets me. And then she went and did the same stupid shit, so many other women do. Nor can I buy the idea that we were just wrong about each other, because in my experience, couples that are not right for each other, it is pretty obvious from the start. there is no long relationship where you never see the signs. something else happened, and I’ve accepted that I will never know the truth of it.
So what do I do now? And that is the thing. I refuse to put my heart out there, especially when I see the same problems I saw before. Pretty women, dating thugs, players, and ignoring decent guys cause they do not have swagger, or charisma or whatever the fuck they see in these idiots. I see them running to the book and movie, Think Like a Man, and I want to scream. Even before I was bitter, I was never like any of those guys in the book. All of my female friends over the years, and there have BEEN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to many, have guy friends they do not see “in that way” and they are exactly the type of men, they try to manipulate the wrong guys into being. Why do I want to put my heart on the table for that?
Wholeheartedly agree with Herside “Accepting the loss of love – no matter the circumstances – is a personal choice. Your unwillingness to move on after so much time says far more about your mental state than it does about Tina’s value – and I would bet the farm that the cracks in your mental fortitude predated Tina’s appearance in your life. She simply revealed something you needed to learn about yourself. If you can accept this painful time as an opportunity to build your strength, you can get through this. Otherwise, you’re choosing a miserable existence.”
You have very much CHOSEN to be and remain a self-imposed/appointed victim. It seems you have a very narrow minded and jaded viewed of what YOU think relationships are or should be about. It’s like it’s the world according to YOU and YOUR value system of which can and will only work for YOU.
As, I’ve previously stated, I know all too well what it’s like to have loved so deeply only for it to not end the way I hoped, wished, and wanted it to, but I had to accept the experience with its good and bad and find a way to heal and move on. Living life as a recluse, bitter or resentful woman wasn’t going to hurt him or anyone else; it would only hurt ME and I chose to have and be more than that. I’ve often wondered why you REFUSE to remain in this wasted emotional state, but that same wondering has also allowed me to come back to same conclusion; you obviously enjoy it or you enjoy the “misery loves company” addage. No one in their right mind would want to live their life this negatively invested.
All I can do is hope that one day; before it’s too late, that you’re able to let go of all this chaos and negativity and allow God in so you can heal and grow in order to live a more authentic and prosperous emotional life. It’s not about other people, their relationships or what some book has to say; this one, is ALL ABOUT YOU.
I wish you well.
Hey Joe,
I remember you from the old forum. I stumbled across your blog last night. It was good to see an old,familiar name, but no so good to see that,as of your last blog post, you’re still suffering.
It would be great if you could update us all as to how you’re feeling these days,and as to whether you’ve made progress.
Hope you’re well,
Tom ( Tombo )
You’ve stopped writing. I’ll take that as a good sign that you are finally healing and getting on with living your life. 😀