Bittersweet

Next week is my best friends birthday.  last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it.  In fact I forgot several peoples birthday.  So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday.  I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here.  I just dont know how divorced parents do it.  In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.

yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer.  It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want.    Playing with them made me ache though, and sad.  Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed.  its made me feel all warm inside for a moment.  But only for a moment.

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Unscalable Wall

Often I find myself looking up search terms on Google about how to change yourself, or re-inventing your life, becoming a brand new person, or other such notions.  I feel like I need to change, not just one thing, but a shit load of stuff.  Sometimes as a reaction to Tina, other times in response to what I feel lead me inexortably to this turn–the nice guy curse.  And I feel I dont want to be that guy any longer.  There has been no pay-off.  And other times its to create such a incredible life, so bright, it blinds Tina in her mistake.

I never find anything quite good on the subject.  But I found something that in a flash of personal insight, left me shaking my head.  This one site said in order to change, you have to first list everything you like and don’t like, all you want to change, and all that you dont want to change, and think about the things you really cannot.  And it struck me.  My biggest problem is I can’t let go how I felt about her, or us, or the members of her family.  I truly loved her, and wanted the life she told me she wanted.  And even though she does not think about me, and that it was obviously not strong to her (based on how she walked away), even though after all this time, and the pain she’s given me, we could never be together again, even though she has moved on with guys that make it impossible I feel to even be phyiscal with her if she did come back, EVEN with all that, I will never be able to change how I felt about us.  I cannot make myself turn from those feelings, and thoughts. Life goes on, but I always feel like a part of me is missing.  Everyday.

My best friend, Renee, she knows it.  She has told me there’s something off and its not just depression, or sadness, or anger, I’m different.  So I geuss the question is not how do I re-invent my life, or myself, but how do I deal with feelings that will not change.  That even though we are not going to be together, and it angers me, and pisses me off, and hurts me, NONE of that changes how I felt about her for those seven years.  And I wonder…did she know.  I mean did she really know.

I dont think she did.  I dont think she allowed herself too.  As for me…how do you change, how do you move forward, when the thing that is causing the pain, simply will not go away.  How do you move on with a smile on your face when you cannot denounce the past?

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Call me Jaded. I call you blind

It’s days like today, that I see or rather feel that maybe it is better that I did not get married. Not because of how Tina abandoned me.  No that is another whole reason to feel that she did me a favor early.  I say this because it seems as if the pact of marriage is not respected any longer.  A co-worker of mine, has a woman coming after him and she is married.  He, being a bit of a player, has already slept with another co-worker (his boss) who is also married.  And then all we have to do is listen to the news to see the the frenzy over the nuptials of Kim Kardastian, and is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that she too will be divorced inside of 2 years.

All around I look, marriage seems to be a thing of the past, but not a sacred pact between two people.  Infidelity, divorce, separations–every where you look.  If  I had gotten married I have little doubt now that it would have failed.

And people wonder why I’m jaded.  I say look at the evidence around you and I ask, “Why aren’t you jaded and cynical?”

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Waking Nightmare

When I look over the last, almost two years, one thing is clearer than most.  My mind has been unable and unwilling to accept my reality.  The reality of life without Tina is a nightmare I live through everyday.  Whenever I think about it, my mind stills feels the same level of disbelief I had in the beginning.  It’s a nightmare I cannot wake from, but still hope to wake from.

There are still too many questions and unresolved feelings I have inside about it, and about how she seems to be happy with someone who at best is giving her the same things I did.  So if she’s happy there, she should have been happy with me.  How do people do that? Convince themselves they are soo happy with a new guy or gal, and the person they are sooooo happy with, aint doing anything different or better.  It’s like saying you don’t like McDonald’s, and then walking across the street to McDonald’s and declaring it the best food ever.  I mean really?  I had very little sympathy for women that got done wrong by men, BEFORE TINA, now I find myself having zero sympathy and no tolerance for the “boo-whoos” of women and the bad men they choose to date, or date after leaving a perfectly good man. Its why I HATE that movie and book, “Eat, Pray, Love.”  Bottom line is Tina chose to be unhappy.  And chose to be happy with perhaps the same type of person, assuming he treats her right to begin with.  The ease and fun of money takes awhile to wear off, so she is still in the new phase.  But that does not mollify me.

Let go. That’s what I’m told.  What the hell does that mean?  I mean does anyone think I want to wake up every fecken morning for two years with her on my mind.  Do you have any idea how debilitating that is?  I now know why people kill themselves. I didn’t use to.  But now I can understand how the pain and the agony will not go away, and you just need…release from it.  It just has to end.  Why doesn’t it?  Especially if there are no “soul-mates”

I think it’s this one question that stalks me. What if, what if there is such a thing as the person you’re supposed to be with?  How pathetic to find them, and then not be with them. My fear is that there is such a thing, and I know it, despite all the cynically people out there that say, dont believe that.  I know the real secret, and it did me no good, because I met her, got her, and then she left.  I cant say I lost her, because I cannot think of a single thing I did worthy of the way she walked away. Without looking back, without telling me why, without a struggle or a fight.  She just walked, like a girl leaving a bad date.  Did I deserve that? Did I do something sinister that I’m afraid to admit to my readers or anyone silly enough to listen to my tale of woe.

I wish I had. Because then I would have a clue. But I’m afraid to report, I did not. I was not perfect. No one is.  But if failure is a 1 and perfect a 100, I was in the 90’s, that I promise on my mother’s grave. It it didn’t matter in the end.  It didn’t matter at all.  And so now I live everyday without love. Without my mate, and inside I die all over again, every morning and every night.

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Stuff Happens

I picked up a copy of the Harvard Business Review this past weekend.  This month’s subject being, “Having a Vision.”  The subject interested me for several reasons.  The first being that I didn’t have one, or at least I felt like I did not.  I have goals, things I want to have, would like to do.  That’s not the same as having a vision though.  The other reason is because shortly before the demise of my relationship with Tina, I was struggling to define what my new direction and path was going to be.  Oftentimes I have wondered out loud if this lack of clarity, or this search was the unspoken reason for her leaving.  Like or not, everyone wants a sense of stability and security from her man.  When a man is searching for a new direction, security can be a hard to find item. Though, it helps to look at what a man HAS done thus far to help the woman through that uncertainty she may feel.  it’s the ONE thing, the single item that despite my despair over the loss of Tina, I still will not give her a break on.  I had taken care of myself, I was taking care of my brother.  No matter what direction I was going or how tough the road would become, I would take care of my responsibilities.  She should have seen that, and listened.  The third reason I wanted to read and study the subject is that whatever direction or vision I was cooking up, I had one vision that was rock solid, and that was the vision of the life me and Tina would have.  The type of husband I would be.  The type of father I required myself to be.  The type of son-in-law and family member I would be.  I had it, and it was crystal clear.  And Tina pointed a shot gun at it, and blew it to dust.

In reading the HBR, a short section on personal vision talks about how pursing your vision will not be a A to B to C progression.  “Stuff Will Happen!” Which is why I felt compelled to write tonight.  Because that is exactly what happened to me–though I don’t think I would use the word stuff to describe it.  But I digress.  I had a vision, stuff happened, and now I need a new one, except I cannot get the old one out of my mind.  It’s still squatting in my heart and mind.  I was so sure. Now, I feel like a fool. A fool for believing in it, and a fool for not being able to let it go.  Tina had a vision, and it was never about really about me.  If it was, she would be here.  For me it was not about being married.  It was about being married to her.

Now…now I don’t know what direction to go, but I think I’m gonna have to do something drastic, or I won’t survive.

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Another night

ANother night, comeplte with sleeplessness.  its worse than it has been in months.  its got to be the holidays.  Oh joy!  I fucking hate christmas now.  I can image Tina buying so sappy card for this guy.  How do people do that?  I mean if they did you wrong, I get it, but when they dont, do you jsut get tired of them?  Do you just decide the person is used up and go get your jollies off with someone else.  Does the aftermath mean ANYTHING!

I’m getting no where.  I’m gonna just finish my beer tape a sleeping pill, and forget about this for at least 8 hours.  Though I wish I could sleep for the next 33 days.

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Holiday Musings

I awake knowing that its going to be a lonely day.  A part of me wants to just say “screw up” and do what a guy at work told me to do; crash Tina’s house.  Just go, say hello to everyone I miss, and make her think and talk about me, but not really pay attention to her.  His reasoning to me, “If the parents liked you, then they still do would welcome you in, feed you, and if they didn’t what have you lost?  You come back to work on friday, just as depressed as you were the day before.”  Ultimately, I’ve decided not to do this.  Though the main reason was the reaction I had to the suggestion.  I felt hope, and a stirring of optimism. My mind started imagining scenarios of how the kids would react to seeing me.  And then I stopped and asked, “What the hell am I doing? What delusional exercise am I engaging in?”

I was in the hospital and she didn’t call me, why would showing up unannounced, looking and feeling the same as when she last saw me a year ago mean anything?  I guess there is something to be said for, if I’m gonna be annoyed, then she can be annoyed to by me showing up, and making the convo between her new guy all about me.  But there is more bad, than good that could come from that.  As someone here said, I’m in the rearview mirror, and she left at a high-speed.  I may not have done anything to deserve it, but she did it nonetheless and does not wish to think about me.  I spoke to my best friend and he thinks I’m clinically depressed.

He also said something, as he often does, that I found truth in.  At the end of the day, whatever her reasons bad or good, the one thing that is without a doubt true, is it all went down the way it did because she felt like she did not have much to lose.  Not in terms of me, but in terms of what she had invested in the relationship.  I was willing to move when we got married, I was attached to her family, I was willing to work on the relationship, and I would have been willing to wait if she had told me she was just afraid it was too soon.  She had never made a sacrifice for the relationship.  Granted she had not been put into a great deal of situations where she had too, but nonetheless, she had not.  She knew my mom and my brother, but mom died and so that connection was broken, she probably saw my brother as an obligation not an adopted brother( a shame considering how he felt about her), I never made it seem she may have to give up a job for us, simply she had no skin in the game.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  The one “sacrifice” I tried to insist on was she keep her ex in ATL in its proper place, and as readers to this blog know, she did not do that.  I’ve never looked at it that way, but it has truth.  My friend said, “If she had to give up something for the relationship, if she had lived with you, or had close relationships with your family or even Renee (my other best friend) who you love as a sister, then it would not have been as easy to leave, because there is a bigger investment there.”

The truth hurts as always, because it means that what I thought was love seemed to never really have been there.  And because even if true, it does not erase the feeling of loss I feel on a day like today, when I’m supposed to be feel grateful, and I don’t.  I feel bitter, angry, and worse of all, alone.

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I awake knowing that its going to be a lonely day.  A part of me wants to just say “screw up” and do what a guy at work told me to do; crash Tina’s house.  Just go, say hello to everyone I miss, and make her think and talk about me, but not really pay attention to her.  His reasoning to me, “If the parents liked you, then they still do would welcome you in, feed you, and if they didn’t what have you lost?  You come back to work on friday, just as depressed as you were the day before.”  Ultimately, I’ve decided not to do this.  Though the main reason was the reaction I had to the suggestion.  I felt hope, and a stirring of optimism. My mind started imagining scenarios of how the kids would react to seeing me.  And then I stopped and asked, “What the hell am I doing? What delusional exercise am I engaging in?”

I was in the hospital and she didn’t call me, why would showing up unannounced, looking and feeling the same as when she last saw me a year ago mean anything?  I guess there is something to be said for, if I’m gonna be annoyed, then she can be annoyed to by me showing up, and making the convo between her new guy all about me.  But there is more bad, than good that could come from that.  As someone here said, I’m in the rearview mirror, and she left at a high-speed.  I may not have done anything to deserve it, but she did it nonetheless and does not wish to think about me.  I spoke to my best friend and he thinks I’m clinically depressed.

He also said something, as he often does, that I found truth in.  At the end of the day, whatever her reasons bad or good, the one thing that is without a doubt true, is it all went down the way it did because she felt like she did not have much to lose.  Not in terms of me, but in terms of what she had invested in the relationship.  I was willing to move when we got married, I was attached to her family, I was willing to work on the relationship, and I would have been willing to wait if she had told me she was just afraid it was too soon.  She had never made a sacrifice for the relationship.  Granted she had not been put into a great deal of situations where she had too, but nonetheless, she had not.  She knew my mom and my brother, but mom died and so that connection was broken, she probably saw my brother as an obligation not an adopted brother, I never made it seem she may have to give up a job for us, simply she had no skin in the game.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  The one “sacrifice” I tried to insist on was she keep her ex in ATL in its proper place, and as readers to this blog know, she did not do that.  I’ve never looked at it that way, but it has truth.  My friend said, “If she had to give up something for the relationship, if she had lived with you, or had close relationships with your family or even Renee (my other best friend) who you love as a sister, then it would not have been as easy to leave, because there is a bigger investment there.”

The truth hurts as always, because it means that what I thought was love seemed to never really have been there.  And because even if true, it does not erase the feeling of loss I feel on a day like today, when I’m supposed to be feel grateful, and I don’t.  I feel bitter, angry, and worse of all, alone.

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Bitter Fruit

I know I’m bitter, angry, and resentful.  I know this quite well, and decided to look up bitterness today for ways to overcome it.  For nearly three or four Google pages, most of the sites that came up were religious sites.

I find it funny as hell, considering that I blame God to some degree as much as I do her.  That may should strange to churching going folks, as God “does nothing wrong.”  But as I see it, either she was not meant to be with me, which means why did he put her in my life to freaking begin with.  Or she was the one, and so why was it allowed to just fall apart like that?  Either way, I don’t have much to say to God right about now.

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Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, it’s official.  God is fucking with me.  And I don’t like it.

Explain to me how in ALL the places to work in Orlando, I start working at a company where the sister of my little buddy Caleb, Tina’s niece is working at the same place, 20 feet from me.  I mean really people.  Seriously? What did I ever do to deserve this.  Now, I have even less of a choice to think about the kids, and that damn girl.  I don’t think I’ll be able to not make a comment about the new guy, or resist asking about  Caleb and wanting to see him.

I’m fucking sending my resume back out.

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