Bittersweet

Next week is my best friends birthday.  last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it.  In fact I forgot several peoples birthday.  So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday.  I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. I needed a kid fix so to speak, since I never get to see my little buddies anymore and miss them more than I can ever express here.  I just dont know how divorced parents do it.  In any case, it made me sad because I wont be a father.

yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say, but dont bother. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer.  It more than just fear or pain, I dont believe I can have what I want, and I cant have what I want.    Playing with them made me ache though, and sad.  Especially when they insisted I give them hugs before going to bed.  its made me feel all warm inside for a moment.  But only for a moment.

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Unscalable Wall

Often I find myself looking up search terms on Google about how to change yourself, or re-inventing your life, becoming a brand new person, or other such notions.  I feel like I need to change, not just one thing, but a shit load of stuff.  Sometimes as a reaction to Tina, other times in response to what I feel lead me inexortably to this turn–the nice guy curse.  And I feel I dont want to be that guy any longer.  There has been no pay-off.  And other times its to create such a incredible life, so bright, it blinds Tina in her mistake.

I never find anything quite good on the subject.  But I found something that in a flash of personal insight, left me shaking my head.  This one site said in order to change, you have to first list everything you like and don’t like, all you want to change, and all that you dont want to change, and think about the things you really cannot.  And it struck me.  My biggest problem is I can’t let go how I felt about her, or us, or the members of her family.  I truly loved her, and wanted the life she told me she wanted.  And even though she does not think about me, and that it was obviously not strong to her (based on how she walked away), even though after all this time, and the pain she’s given me, we could never be together again, even though she has moved on with guys that make it impossible I feel to even be phyiscal with her if she did come back, EVEN with all that, I will never be able to change how I felt about us.  I cannot make myself turn from those feelings, and thoughts. Life goes on, but I always feel like a part of me is missing.  Everyday.

My best friend, Renee, she knows it.  She has told me there’s something off and its not just depression, or sadness, or anger, I’m different.  So I geuss the question is not how do I re-invent my life, or myself, but how do I deal with feelings that will not change.  That even though we are not going to be together, and it angers me, and pisses me off, and hurts me, NONE of that changes how I felt about her for those seven years.  And I wonder…did she know.  I mean did she really know.

I dont think she did.  I dont think she allowed herself too.  As for me…how do you change, how do you move forward, when the thing that is causing the pain, simply will not go away.  How do you move on with a smile on your face when you cannot denounce the past?

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Giving Up

So, I’ve spent the week fighting off annoying dreams, finally getting desperate and getting sleeping pills from a friend.  Aaannd, for the 1st time ever they dont work.  I wake remembering another dream, and with the same sickening feeling in my gut I had for weeks after the break-up.  I try to shake off and go to work.  In the middle of my shift, I’m not thinking about her, but my stomach never settles until, I can feel the tears threating to come out. I get pissed, and it only makes it worse.

I quickly leave the floor and rush to my car. And it dawns on me, or rather I just deflate and accept I will never really be over the pain.  It will not go away.  It’s just there like a thorn in the middle of my back I cannot reach.  Why?  She is just freakin fine, why cant I be?  Is it because I could not/can’t get my brain to think there was something wrong with the relationship from the start?  Is it that I cannot rationalize and trick myself into thinking she could not be the one, or that I was just used to her and we’re both better off?  Why??????????????

So I’m done.  If my heart and head are gonna feel this way no matter what, I say fuck em I tired of trying to hope for better times and days.  I cannot fight it any more I dont have the energy I dont have the will. My heart and head made a decision regarding Tina long ago, and its steadfast in the belief. So I’m gonna have to put up with the aftermath of that belief being rejected by life, tina, God, or whatever spirits I pissed off some fucking how. I am resigned to how its gonna be–how it is. LOL I dont get what I wanted, or deserved, and I dont even get to be like others and pitch off a cliff like many do, because I have a brother to take care of. Nope.  Anyway I cut it, I’m stuck with this shit, with no escape.

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Second Act

‘See what happens after the break up”  That was the tagline that began this blog.  The answer for me at least has been a descent into anger, bitterness, and despair. Now I have reached…giving up.

Considering the history or my past relationship and the way it ended, it’s easy for people to just view my words and actions today thru the prism, “Of you’re just mad at one person.  She is not all women.”  That is both true and untrue.  See, unspoken in many ways is that part of my anger at her, moves beyond her and extents to women in general because she basically did what I have always hated about so many women.  Namely, they leave good men.  And bitch later about there not being good men.

See, long before Tina, there were all these female friends I have had over the years and they came to me for advice, and they all had bad relationships, and they all chose bad men, or broke up with good men to date bad men.  I thought I had broken away from that idiocy when I found Tina.  Cleary I was wrong, as she did not truly love or appreciate the blessing she had in her life.  She made her choice, it will bite her in the ass one day.  And whatever form it takes, she deserves it, and more.

For me, I have to build a second life.  I’ve reached that point in life where statistically I’m probably going to end up alone–even if I don’t want too.  But what would not being alone get me?  I’ve always thought that men and women need each other.  And in a perfect world they do, the yin and the yang and all that.  But so many things I have observed in my own relationships, and hundreds of others I have seen from the outside as an advice giver has shown me that women are great to be friends with, sleep with, or work with, but are just too emotional and flighty to trust with your heart. And so, I will no longer do so.

I have spent 30 plus years on this planet, and all I have gotten from the other half is pain, rejection, and lack of appreciation of a guy that actually walks the walk of that “good man” they are all looking for and have gotten nothing back for it.  I should have been gobbled up years ago..before I even met Tina to blunt about it. 

The second half of my life has already started. I lost 7 yrs in a relationship that turned into a waste of my time, with a woman who was a waste of my time. I have lost another 2 over depression.  For my second act I think I will pursue what I see woman pursuing.  They don’t need a man, except to take them places, buy them things, or except to generally provide them with a good time, and then shake hands and leave them alone.  Okay, fine.  Men invented that game long ago and are better at it really, so I will go that route.

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Want Money, So What

This past weekend I, on a whim, went to a party that was held at the private residence of a multi-millionaire in town.  The night had a couple of revelations.  The first was that as I walked around this house located in the same community as Tiger Woods house, it struck me that if I had this house.  If I had a house like it, and the money that went with it, Tina would still be with me.  I commented on that fact to the friend I had come with, and thier response was predictable and accurate:

“Well, then she would have been with you for the money only.”

I know she was right, but the following thought came into my mind.  “I don’t care.”  In that moment I knew it would not have mattered to me.  And, when I thought about it more, it was not because of desperation, or at least not just desperation.  The feeling I had was, that house, that success, is what I’m supposed to have anyway.  So what if it was a factor in keeping her around.  It felt like knowing a woman stayed around because I brushed my teeth.  I’m supposed to do that.  I mean I hate gold diggers.  I think they are the worse women on the planet, and I have little sympathy for whatever happens to them as a result of chasing the money.  I mean I REALLY have no sympathy for thier trials: cheating, abuse, etc., I dont care.  You want the guy to pay, I say you play whatever game he wants to play.  BUT in this situation, I just felt, at least in the moment, hey this is what I should have anyway, and if I had been with her and had it I would not have thought twice about why she was there.  Could that have blown up later, yeah I geuss, but I geuss I feel like that was what I should have provided anyway. 

I don’t have it, not yet.  Maybe not ever now.  For various reasons.

What this says about me, I don’t know.  Maybe if I’m willing to think that way about Tina, I ought to be less judgemental of other golddiggers.  I don’t know.

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Icy Past

Today, really today and yesterday, I’ve spent nearly 18 hours at the hospital.  I have a friend that has gone in for emergency surgery.  I’ve know her about the same time as I’ve been apart from Tina.  She’s a good friend, great girl, perhaps even wanted more from me at one point, but after watching the level at which I had loved Tina, wanted and INDEED deserves, that love toward herself.  She knew I could not give it to her, but we have remained friends.

She may have to have a hysterectomy, no thats not true.  She will have to have one, and it will now happen sooner than later.  We had hoped the pain in her stomach was just from her appendix, but it is worse than that.  It’s bad news, and is draining emotionally.

What’s worse, at least for me, is she is at the same hospital that my mother was in before she died.  I have not been back there since that time, and so memories flood over into my mind.  Memories of her, memories of her and Tina.

I’ve been up since 6:30AM, after only two hours sleep.  I’m not that strong emotionally to begin with, and my walls are lower than usual.  I try to hide it, and do a decent job, since concern for my friend is the foremost thing in my mind, but other stuff is crowding my pysch, and wearing me down.  Her other friends and family get to the hospital, all are very kind about how I’ve been there, its nice to hear, but sends jabs thru the heart, since I feel like Tina should have known this about me, should have figured into her decision making process.  I hear echos from my best friend who reminds me all the time that she did not make the decision rationally.  In the sense, of sitting down and thinking through all the angles the way a person buys a house or plans a vacation.  The stuff that should have been important, were not the factors she was thinking about.  At least according to him.

Either way, I’m fighting two battles in myself until I finally leave for the day.  Her best friend is here now, so can stay with her at the hospital.  I reach home, and I’m wiped.  I look into the mirror in my bathroom.  I don’t know the person staring back.  I look beaten, tired, drawn,..old.

It’s a new day in my life.  Has been for awhile, and it feels like the end.

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Another night

ANother night, comeplte with sleeplessness.  its worse than it has been in months.  its got to be the holidays.  Oh joy!  I fucking hate christmas now.  I can image Tina buying so sappy card for this guy.  How do people do that?  I mean if they did you wrong, I get it, but when they dont, do you jsut get tired of them?  Do you just decide the person is used up and go get your jollies off with someone else.  Does the aftermath mean ANYTHING!

I’m getting no where.  I’m gonna just finish my beer tape a sleeping pill, and forget about this for at least 8 hours.  Though I wish I could sleep for the next 33 days.

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Bitter Fruit

I know I’m bitter, angry, and resentful.  I know this quite well, and decided to look up bitterness today for ways to overcome it.  For nearly three or four Google pages, most of the sites that came up were religious sites.

I find it funny as hell, considering that I blame God to some degree as much as I do her.  That may should strange to churching going folks, as God “does nothing wrong.”  But as I see it, either she was not meant to be with me, which means why did he put her in my life to freaking begin with.  Or she was the one, and so why was it allowed to just fall apart like that?  Either way, I don’t have much to say to God right about now.

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Never have

I wake suddenly this morning and its like I’m back in the beginning. I feel utterly alone, angry, and impotent over what has happened.  And it dawns on me.  Love, whatever the hell that is and means, maybe I have felt it.  But my proves I sure as hell have never had it.  Love doesn’t quit.  it doesn’t leave.  Not without a fight.

She didn’t fight for me.  I cant say anyone ever has.  So much for me being a great guy.  So great, so good, that I just get left.  Now I understand why so many men don’t bother with doing what is nice, or good, or whatever you want to call it.  What’s the fucking point?  If they want you, they will stick around even if you smack them around all day.  And if you’re the second coming, they will nail your ass to the cross just the same.

As much as I thought we had, what I know I did, its amazing to me that the guy before and after me are getting more than I did.  I could die today, and it wouldn’t really make a difference to Tina. How’s that for getting what you deserve.

But that’s not what life is about I guess; getting what you deserve or what is fair.  You get what you get,  and unless you’re lucky, you get screwed.  I’m not lucky.  Never have been.

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Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, it’s official.  God is fucking with me.  And I don’t like it.

Explain to me how in ALL the places to work in Orlando, I start working at a company where the sister of my little buddy Caleb, Tina’s niece is working at the same place, 20 feet from me.  I mean really people.  Seriously? What did I ever do to deserve this.  Now, I have even less of a choice to think about the kids, and that damn girl.  I don’t think I’ll be able to not make a comment about the new guy, or resist asking about  Caleb and wanting to see him.

I’m fucking sending my resume back out.

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