In the time that I have been apart from Tina, moving on toward dating has not been a big priority. I have ventured out a couple of times, more becauseof feeling like I need too, or because I hate being alone on Valentines Day, etc. When I have done this, many of my posts have been to the negative side regarding the process of having to “get back out there.”One exception has been the time I have spent with the person I had Valentines dinner with. She is a thoroughly pleasant woman, and we have a lot in common. Usually when I’m hanging with her, I have a good time, and don’t think about Tina. We have kept it lite, real lite. I’m sure there are signals I have ignored because I don’t want to/don’t know how (don’t laugh) be that way with someone else. Anything super physical is like an emotional and mental demarcation mark to me. Oh course, I have no idea if Tina has the same type inhibitors swirling around in her head. I imagine not, since there has never been an indication short of lame reasons for the “separation” that she had plans to come back. Though I guess like this situation began, she could just feel different later on, and follow her emotions. Anyway, I’ve been picking up signals that a move forward could happen. The door is open, and feeling like I should not, or am not ready makes me feel like a wuss. Just what is it I’m not ready for? What am I waiting for?
Tina left, so if I moved forward, and she came around she would have nothing that can be said? I know the very thought of her being with someone else makes me feel like I’m listening to 50 sets of nails scratching a chalk board. But it’s a reality that is going to happen at some point and should have no bearing on my life. Not now, not anymore. And still I waffle like a politician running for office.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m still holding on (WHOOO BIG SURPRISE) in the way that means the most. The idea, the thought that my future with her was the way it was supposed to be, is still taking up mental real estate in my mind. And I don’t know the difference between a loving hope that maybe there is still a future for us possible-while moving on with my life, and holding on to a fantasy that is not gonna happen.
A good friend of mine says I like to declare things, and not let them just occur or happen. That black and white thinking again I guess. Nonetheless, I feel like that once I move to that area with another person, then it is time to call it quits. Not only on my side, but the reality is that very often women in Tina’s position get offended and ticked off when they come back, and the other person has slept with someone else. Yeah, my thought exactly, how could they possibility get mad or make a stink. They did leave right? But the reality is they do, and so you have another bump to get over. This brings me to a mini A-ha moment. I cannot go down the road of making decisions based on how I think she might react if she came back. My decision should and must not have anything to do with her at all, because she has made a decision to not have anything to do with me. At least not in the romantic way, which is the only avenue available to us?
The Break-up Diaries 